Bashing Bob Cole

Dave Roberts, the Peak (Simon Fraser University)

BURNABY (CUP) — All right, I just want to make this point clear: I love old people. I love my grandparents and I loved serving the elderly working at a cozy café in my native Deep Cove. Hell, even my dad is pushing past 60. Nonetheless, I’m about to rip into a geriatric media legend.

Bob Cole, it’s time to retire.

He is widely revered throughout Canada, bringing us the calls of over 20 Stanley Cup finals as well as the Olympics, in addition to his Hockey Night in Canada duties. Sadly, he has faltered over the past few years.

Many members of the sports media seem to shy away from calling out one of their own. I’ve listened to Don Taylor of the Team 1040 defend Cole to fans upset with his rather biased play-by-play. Taylor usually states Cole’s glorious calls of the past as his defence and downplays his mistakes.

Unfortunately, we live in a society in which the question, “What have you done for me lately?” has become ingrained in the minds of the population. I’m no philosopher, but in the world of sports especially, this question reigns as true as the North Star does in our sky. Yes, I just used that analogy.

Can you really make excuses for someone due to their age? As sports fans, we rarely give athletes who are past their prime years a break. Why should anyone give Bob Cole a break for his declining abilities?

Anyone who watches Hockey Night in Canada knows what I’m talking about. Almost as unnerving as his partner Harry Neale calling Kevin Bieksa “Kevin Bies-ka,” Cole calls Markus Naslund, “Mats Naslund,” after the Montreal Canadians great.

I don’t know if Cole realizes he’s doing it simply because he’s done it so many times now. Either he doesn’t read the media guide before the game to get familiar with the players or the 49-year-old Mats Naslund apparently still has wheels in his mind.

For me, when I think of the recent performances of Bob Cole, I think of the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin. During one of the games, the following happened: “And here comes Sakic, skating through the neutral zone with the puck,” rambled Cole.

When Cole uttered this famous epitaph, Sakic was already behind the net and in the process of passing the puck to Todd Bertuzzi. I know there wasn’t a delay between the audio and the video feed because Bertuzzi then passed the puck to Iginla, who buried it. To this, Cole simply said “Scores” after a few seconds of silence.

I turned to my friends and burst out laughing. I wasn’t laughing at the fact that Bertuzzi had actually made a play; I was laughing at the fact that Cole had just bequeathed me with such material to use in my crusade against his folly commentary.

As the years have progressed, Cole has become frequently more biased towards his beloved Maple Leafs. During the 2007 cup run by the Ottawa Senators, his dislike of the Senators became apparent. Every goal scored on the Senators, Cole would exclaim with glee as if Dave Keon had just jumped onto the ice wearing only hockey gloves while riding his hockey stick Tiger Williams-style.

The CBC was inundated with complaints from fans across the country, but they didn’t work. He kept doing what he does best: loving his Leafs and beating on the Sens. Time to change the batteries on that hearing aid!

In the 2002 Olympic gold medal game, Cole added himself into the lore of that championship. When the fourth goal of the game was scored, Cole was caught so off-guard that he yelped “Gore!” In this case “Gore” was a mixture of the words “Goal” and “Score!”

At the time, I laughed it off because I was so exhilarated that Canada was off to its first gold medal in 50 years, but now that I look back at it, it was indeed gore — Cole butchered the call.

So Bob Cole, please retire, sir. You aren’t the Pope, so you don’t need to die to be relieved of office. Hand the keys over to Jim Hughson and walk away semi-gracefully. If I can find a sponsor, I’ll even come to your retirement dinner and roast you like they did for William Shatner.