Dino-watch!

A consumer’s guide to dinosaur action statues

Kevin Doole, staff

Over the years, artistry has become increasingly important in the production of dino action statuettes. The lively competition endured, or rather, enjoyed, by dino-designers across the globe promotes a hale and hearty spirit of innovation and it most definitely shows in the work. If I had a dino tooth for every time I’ve heard an emphatic “Where do they come up with this great stuff?!” at our local Toys ”R” Us, I’d have a wondrous variety of intimidating necklaces.

You see, to the layman a dino figure is just a thing; the untrained eye can see only what’s in front of it. There are, in fact, decades of dino-form standards to uphold. The forms must be fluid, the skin leathery, the stance dynamic; these are all dino-design problems with which professionals spend their lives trying to work. And when something truly different, truly innovative and beautiful makes an appearance, well, it can turn the world on its head. For example, back in the late-’80s when Dino-Peldino, the San Francisco- based dino-firm, made the switch from dino-hard plastic to a softer latex dino-form, let’s just say it was like a meteor had crashed. The species of dino-statuettes known as “dino-hard dino” became extinct. Sure, there are still stragglers — fossils if you prefer — but they are few and far between. That’s what it’s like in the dino action statuette world. Its only true parallel is the actual dino-eat-dino world of 65 million years ago.

And so, I present here a series of reviews, excavated from my own personal collection, of some of the best and worst dino statuettes of the past year or two, rated on the Schumann-Berezovski Dino-Point Scale. Pay attention, you just might learn something!

Dinosaurs! The 12-pack:

The value pack hard plastic form is the classic design of the contemporary dino statuette. This collection is retro, actually bordering on clichéd. The union, however, of memory and fantasy, underscored as it is by the textbook-quality scale and design of the creatures, is an extraordinary achievement. The artist makes a powerful statement about his deepest fear: that we have all forgotten where we came from. Look at the T-Rex: the emerald green colour and wrinkly texture says “Pick me up and play with me!” I feel I am a child again, playing on the floor in the kitchen whilst mother cooks me up a dino-burger.

The overall presentation is harmonious enough to make the individual construction seem, sadly, insignificant. Certain dino-forms even mimic other species from within the same set! Truly an unacceptable oversight. As well, many dinos feature terrible inaccuracies. The T-Rex, astoundingly, has a horn on his snout, and the Stegosaurus’ plates are placed improperly. There are two Velociraptors included in the set and both are made from the same molding. As an added insult, the set includes no flying dinos, which are my favourite.

Laziness in production detracts from the artist’s message. This set gets only 33 dino-points.

Soft-model fantasy T-Rex:

People sometimes talk of living legends. As if you were not already aware, there is only one legend in the dino-design world. Fehrhoff Cherkmahn, the Berlin-born Czech, has in his days advanced far beyond the wildest dreams of us all. His constructions exhibit all the lifelike grandeur of the real thing. You can sense the power in this beast’s step; you can almost feel the muscle’s tension as it walks.

This statuette has a soul. One-hundred and four dino-points.

Little Foot plush dino

My heart sank as I lifted this abomination from its press pack. Never has the vision of dino-might been so sullied. To start, the physical wrongness of the thing is far too colossal to explore entirely in one short review.

Any self-respecting dino-moulder would scoff at the notion of plush. This is obviously the work of a true charlatan, loathsome and dishonest. And I’m sorry, but no dinos had eyelashes. This is exactly the type of thing that gives dino-toy statuette design a bad name. Catering to the lowest common denominator, that’s what this is.

That said, it does exhibit the softer side of the dino. Dinos, like you and I, were all babies at one time and as I gaze upon this cuddly wonder, I can’t help but feel a like voyeur into some cuddly dino-nursery. It saddens me when people think only of dinos as big scary monsters and completely ignore the softer side.

Thirty-one dino-points.

Megatron

Upon first glance, this T-Rex model appeared to be just a chunky, poorly configured standing dino with some moving parts. Inaccurate (probably) colour as well as unsightly screw holes and other seemingly erroneous constructive elements seemed to distract from the beast itself. “Perhaps” I thought, “we have moved into a post-modern age of dino-design.” It seemed like a deconstruction of the classic moveable statuette. Further inspection proved me wrong.

As I tinkered and examined, I happened to tilt the head back a little. “Inaccuracy of head tilt motion; over-extension,” I wrote on my pad. I looked again. It wasn’t finished tilting. In fact, the head tilted all the way over, and there I sat, thinking I had damaged the poor thing. And then I saw it: a head, humanoid, lurked behind the throat. I explored a little further and discovered a whole other being hidden within the T-rex! “My God,” I said aloud, “aaaaaawwwwwwwww coooool!”

This toy is totally awesome! The T-Rex turns into this big robot and the head and tail become the arms so it has one hand for whipping and the other hand is like a lobster claw with big teeth on it. Plus it’s got these jump jets on its back so it can fly. Imagine that! A flying T-Rex! Ha!

Anyway, I played with it for hours until it broke when I crashed it into a line of other dino-toys. See, he was saving the world from the dino-attack by crashing into them with his jump jets on, but he broke in half! Instinct kicked in and he tried to transform back into the T-Rex, but he could only go halfway. The head made it back on. He just lay there, roaring for help.

But nobody came . . .

One hundred and twenty-three dino-points.