For those about to rock!

Chelse McKee, rock connoisseur

I’m going to tell you something harsh about the game of rock, paper, scissors. Only losers choose paper and only assholes choose scissors. The best types of people choose rock. Are you the best type of people?

The rock has been used for thousands of years as a tool and a weapon. Doesn’t that say something about its durability and effectiveness? The rock can seriously maim and/or kill someone. Our ancestors descended the heir of rock down generations to come to where we are and you’re thinking about dishonouring them by choosing something flimsy like paper or something unreliable like scissors in the game? You’re making your great-great-great-great aunt cry. I hope you feel good.

With a piece of paper the most that it does is give someone a paper cut, and that’s only life-threatening if that person is a hemophiliac. If you beat someone like a hemophiliac with a piece of paper, that’s like beating a person with no legs in a foot race. It’s just poor sportsmanship.

Scissors? Pfft. Scissors are the coward of all weapons. First off, the blades are codependent and have to work together to be at some level effective. As well, with even a bit of water, the blades rust and become useless. So don’t go playing rock, paper, scissors with any mermaids now, or you’ll be sorely disappointed.

Let’s step away from the tools in real life and go into the hand gestures for the game. When you choose rock, you’re already prepared even if you lose. Your hand is already in a fist. You’re ready to sock out your winning opponent. If you choose paper, all you have is one chance at a half-decent bitch slap.

Also, for all you green hippies out there, the rock is the only environmental pick. Rock is part of nature, unlike paper and scissors, which use up valuable resources from impoverished countries. When you don’t choose rock, you’re denying thousands of African children the chance to live. You’re starving them of their country’s economy. Even more so, from what I hear, there’s a little bit of a tree issue going on with all the rainforests being cut down, so can we, as a society, really depend on paper to still be there in a hundred years to defend us? I think not.

Try to find a rock outside. What? Before even going outside, you found one in your shoe? Well, that’s because they’re everywhere and they’re not going anywhere too fast. That’s the dependability of rock. Now try to find scissors . . . I’ll wait while you try to track them down in the drawer. Oh, they’ve rusted . . . if only someone had mentioned that they’ll do that.

In the game, the defeat of the rock is brought out by the paper. Really? That seems highly implausible. At least it’s realistic that rock could smash scissors to smithereens. It’s laughable to think that paper could impede rock’s progression. I’m laughing right now at the thought of it. Give me one moment. Ah, that was a good one.

You have so many more choices with rock. You have sedimentary, igneous, and metamorphic — and then you go into all the sublevels like granite. With the others? You get safety and non-safety scissors and white and coloured paper. That’s not even a photo finish.

Don’t get sucked in by Jacques and Mike. They don’t know what they’re talking about. It’s all about the rock. It’s been here for millions of years and it’ll be here for a million more.