Poor predictable Bart . . . always picks rock

Paper: the thinking man’s weapon

Michael Silicz, Staff

There’s nothing more important than winning that first crucial Roshambo game. That first victory either guarantees you the outright win or gives you the advantage going into the next few rounds. So, how then can you ensure that first victory every single time you play rock, paper, scissors? Easy — by playing the most potent option available — paper.

Paper is the most versatile, useful, and productive member of the Roshambo trinity. It is the thinking man’s weapon of choice. Sure, paper may not be as brutish and strong as rock, and it may not be as sharp and surgical as scissors, but one thing’s for sure: paper gets ’er done each and every time. Rock is the option for those thuggish bullies who think raw power will get you the victory. Scissors, meanwhile, are for those foolish enough to think a surgical strike will net you the win. Paper, however, is for those intelligent individuals who realize that the rock and scissor options just don’t make sense.

Let me explain this with an analogy everyday people can understand. In terms of hockey, paper is the player you want on your team. Why? Because paper’s got heart, that intangible grittiness that wins you the Stanley Cup.

Rock is nothing more than a goon. You know the type of guy. They like to chirp, rack up the penalty minutes, and cost their team the game. People like Todd Bertuzzi, Chris Simon, and the entire 2007-08 Philadelphia Flyers team make rock their first move. Scissors, however, are the exact opposite. Scissors are the equivalent of what Don Cherry refers to as the “fancy” European players. You know, guys that are asll hands and nothing else, like Alex Daigle, Marian Hossa, Bobby Holik. Paper players, however, are the guys with heart, soul, and grit. They give you the second effort and never give up. People who fit the paper persona include Joe Sakic, Vinny Lecavalier, Jarome Iginla.

Seriously, rock has been obsolete since the Romans invented concrete. Don’t you hate lugging around that backpack full of textbooks? Well, if the fascists who use rock had their way, we’d be lugging around textbooks made out of rock. And as for scissors, I mean, come on, why is that even an option in this game? When I hear the word scissors, I think of those fat Crayola shaped scissors that kids in kindergarten use. If the communists who advocate the use of scissors had their way, we’d be using plastic forks at dinner for safety reasons.

Paper is awesome. We’ve been using paper to keep it real since 3,500 BC, when the Egyptians decided they were going to be history’s first great empire. Paper made writing on rocks obsolete. Paper, and the printing press, is the reason that the totalitarianism of religion ended, and is equally responsible for the mass dissemination of writing, which lead directly to universal education and the Reformation. The very basis of our Western rationality is inextricably linked to paper, not rock or scissors. With a historical track record like this, there is no choice but to make paper your default Roshambo attack.

Michael Silicz is the comment editor of the Manitoban and a student of law and political studies.