What would McGyver throw?

The power of scissors

Jacques Marcoux, Volunteer Staff

For some, rock, paper, scissors is simply a game. To others, it is literally a form of social democracy, in which important decisions are made. True rock, paper, scissors (RPS) connoisseurs use the game on a daily basis to efficiently accelerate simple decision-making, for issues such as “Who should have to get up off the couch to load the disk in the XBOX?” or even complex and perverse decisions such as “Who should lick the inside of the dead deer’s rib-cage?” (Long story.)

However, to the untrained, amateur player, RPS appears to be a simple game of 50-50 odds, no different that flipping a coin. But to the seasoned veteran, who has suffered the harsh realities of losing a best-out-of-three championship round condemning the defeated party to pound back the remainder of a bottle of Stone Cold, RPS is a game of pure strategy, guts, and a whole lot of nerve — not unlike chess. That being said, the sophisticated RPS tactician knows very well that pulling the scissors out of the holster will more often than not bear the fruits of victory.

You may recall Bart Simpson’s famous quote on the topic of rock, “Good ol’ rock, nothing beats that.” Let me tell you that he could not have been any further from the truth. The fact of the matter is, rock is the most aggressive of all three possible plays, and as such is generally used by Neanderthal-like alpha males or female hockey players. It is their overzealous use and blind faith in brawns over brains that make the rock so vulnerable due to its easily predictable nature.

As a scissor-man myself, I have to give credit to paper-persons for their valiant efforts. Yet despite their best efforts they always fall short to the victorious blade brothers. Paper is a formidable competitor given its incredible ability to survive in a three-dimensional world despite only being two-dimensional in nature. Although deceiving, given its simplistic nature, paper is no match for the razor sharp blades of steel of scissors.

The advantages to throwing scissors are abundant; however, there are two main advantages that stick out from the rest. First, throwing scissors on the final down-stroke allows for split-second decision-making. Think about it, in the unlikely event that you thought crappy ol’ rock would win you the match, while on the final down-stroke you suddenly realize that your opponent is going to Xerox your ass with paper, you simply do not have time to switch to scissors, which requires you to use your weaker and slower hand muscles to open your index and middle finger, without getting a late change penalty. If you were to throw paper thinking that was your ticket to victory and you realize on the down-stroke that your opponent is about to pull the scissors on you, it is too late to fumble your fingers into a rock formation without being called on it. However, with scissors you are perfectly central in your finger movements. You are only two fingers away from a rock and two fingers and a slight wrist rotation away from paper. It is the perfect nature of the scissors that make it so versatile, as though it were the result of intelligent design.

The second and less commonly considered advantage of throwing scissors is the endless combinations of potential victory celebrations. Rookie scissor players generally simply do the cliché snipping sound while making the actual motion of cutting the persons hand. But the expert scissor players will go as far as to as to snip away at the opponent’s hair. My personal favourite is the double scissor guns, blowing the smoke of the blades and throwing them back into the holsters — a classy move by any measure.

It’s pretty obvious that scissors is the best possible play; and if you’re not yet convinced, simply ask yourself: what would MacGyver throw? Exactly, scissors. Remember, as long as you’ve got scissors on your side, you safely and confidently manoeuvre yourself out of most tight situations, especially those involving finishing off the bottoms of random bottles of liquor.

Jacques Marcoux is a fourth-year commerce student.





Volume 95 Issue 17	The Official University of Manitoba Students' Newspaper Website	January 09, 2008

Home About Us Advertising Rates Contact Staff Current Issue PDF Employment Letters to the Editor Meet the Staff Online Archives Volunteer Online Classifieds St. Vincent's Academy Diaries	Font Size Respond Email Print-Friendly What would McGyver throw? The power of scissors Jacques Marcoux, Volunteer Staff For some, rock, paper, scissors is simply a game. To others, it is literally a form of social democracy, in which important decisions are made. True rock, paper, scissors (RPS) connoisseurs use the game on a daily basis to efficiently accelerate simple decision-making, for issues such as “Who should have to get up off the couch to load the disk in the XBOX?” or even complex and perverse decisions such as “Who should lick the inside of the dead deer’s rib-cage?” (Long story.) However, to the untrained, amateur player, RPS appears to be a simple game of 50-50 odds, no different that flipping a coin. But to the seasoned veteran, who has suffered the harsh realities of losing a best-out-of-three championship round condemning the defeated party to pound back the remainder of a bottle of Stone Cold, RPS is a game of pure strategy, guts, and a whole lot of nerve — not unlike chess. That being said, the sophisticated RPS tactician knows very well that pulling the scissors out of the holster will more often than not bear the fruits of victory. You may recall Bart Simpson’s famous quote on the topic of rock, “Good ol’ rock, nothing beats that.” Let me tell you that he could not have been any further from the truth. The fact of the matter is, rock is the most aggressive of all three possible plays, and as such is generally used by Neanderthal-like alpha males or female hockey players. It is their overzealous use and blind faith in brawns over brains that make the rock so vulnerable due to its easily predictable nature. As a scissor-man myself, I have to give credit to paper-persons for their valiant efforts. Yet despite their best efforts they always fall short to the victorious blade brothers. Paper is a formidable competitor given its incredible ability to survive in a three-dimensional world despite only being two-dimensional in nature. Although deceiving, given its simplistic nature, paper is no match for the razor sharp blades of steel of scissors. The advantages to throwing scissors are abundant; however, there are two main advantages that stick out from the rest. First, throwing scissors on the final down-stroke allows for split-second decision-making. Think about it, in the unlikely event that you thought crappy ol’ rock would win you the match, while on the final down-stroke you suddenly realize that your opponent is going to Xerox your ass with paper, you simply do not have time to switch to scissors, which requires you to use your weaker and slower hand muscles to open your index and middle finger, without getting a late change penalty. If you were to throw paper thinking that was your ticket to victory and you realize on the down-stroke that your opponent is about to pull the scissors on you, it is too late to fumble your fingers into a rock formation without being called on it. However, with scissors you are perfectly central in your finger movements. You are only two fingers away from a rock and two fingers and a slight wrist rotation away from paper. It is the perfect nature of the scissors that make it so versatile, as though it were the result of intelligent design. The second and less commonly considered advantage of throwing scissors is the endless combinations of potential victory celebrations. Rookie scissor players generally simply do the cliché snipping sound while making the actual motion of cutting the persons hand. But the expert scissor players will go as far as to as to snip away at the opponent’s hair. My personal favourite is the double scissor guns, blowing the smoke of the blades and throwing them back into the holsters — a classy move by any measure. It’s pretty obvious that scissors is the best possible play; and if you’re not yet convinced, simply ask yourself: what would MacGyver throw? Exactly, scissors. Remember, as long as you’ve got scissors on your side, you safely and confidently manoeuvre yourself out of most tight situations, especially those involving finishing off the bottoms of random bottles of liquor. Jacques Marcoux is a fourth-year commerce student.


Terms of Use RSS Feeds © Copyright 2008 The Manitoban Newspaper Publications Corporation