An exhaustive review of Winnipeg's finest adult entertainment clubs

(WITHIN A 20-MINUTE RADIUS)

MELISSA HIEBERT STAFF

ILLUSTRATION TED BARKER

About half of our work at the Manitoban involves either drinking or nudity. So naturally, it was fitting to combine the two and write a review of Winnipeg’s strip-club scene. This way we can feign at least some credibility, and not just sit around the office and drink in our underwear. (Note: we do not actually sit around the office in our underwear, so don’t come check.)

Our first stop was Ozzy’s, right below the Zoo. Ozzy’s is pretty much a dive, with a bunch of VLTs and not much action. But allegedly they have strippers, so there we were. The bar was mostly empty, so we sat near the stage. It didn’t look like too much was happening, and apparently there wasn’t a dancer going on for another hour. We decided to cut our losses, chug our drinks, and move on.

Rating: 4 — A dive and no boobies

Our next stop was an “undisclosed club” on Notre Dame. I say undisclosed merely for the fact that a DJ told us that it was a private place, and that we weren’t allowed to use the name of the club or the names of the strippers. Naturally, he had no legal merit or real power to stop us, nor did he have any control over the dancers’ right to reveal their own names, but he was pretty irate so I thought that I’d oblige. Fortunately for us, there is only one club on Notre Dame.

Cover was expensive at this particular club, but our fast-talking photo editor mentioned we were from the paper and that we were doing a review, so they let us in for free. Of course, we had no proof of this and could have been completely full of shit, but they let us in anyway. Kind of makes me want to use that line more often . . . .

We settled down at a table near the stage for optimal viewing. It was a fairly nice place, though I was not so impressed that I paid $5.50 for a bottle of domestic beer. There was a half-naked girl already on stage, which apparently was an enormous culture shock for the gentleman in our party who had just moved to Canada from Nigeria less than a year ago. I think he was a little surprised that everyone else was acting so completely nonchalant about the whole thing.

We were there for about five minutes before a fight broke out. I couldn’t figure out exactly why, but it might have had something to do with the dancer, who knows. Or maybe it was because there was just one too many gangster wannabes in this place.

The next dancer on was a little older, and definitely a professional. She was very friendly, making eye contact with people and interacting with the crowd. I asked her how long she had been dancing, and she told me that she had been dancing for 12 years, and that it had helped her travel the world, and left her with a lot of money to buy a lot of real estate, which was her other profession. Smart woman. She also told me that she voted NDP in the last election. This mini-interview was conducted while the stripper was onstage, completely naked of course. I don’t think I will ever again get to conduct an interview with someone who is in the nude. It was definitely an interesting journalistic first.

After the interview, the stripper was nice enough to provide me with a poster. Naturally, nothing comes for free, and I had to work for it. She rolled it up and stuck it between her legs, and I had to grab it with my teeth. A fitting end to an unusual dialogue.

All in all, this place was definitely interesting, but the combination of the expensive cover charge, overpriced beer, and less-than-friendly staff, left me unimpressed. (Though I would definitely see the stripper again.)

Rating: 6.5 — Not much bang for your buck (no pun intended)

Our next stop was Club Fantasy. Located at the New Balmoral, I expected it to be a dive. However, I was pleasantly surprised. The place was pretty cool, with pool tables, VLTs, a stage that stretched across the entire room, and curtained booths for “private” shows. The doorperson was incredibly cheerful, and the manager was very accommodating, supporting our review and letting us in for free. Drink prices were average, and it was fairly busy for a Thursday night.

The dancer put on a good show, as all of the performers during the night did. The dancers don’t really make the club though, as all of the women rotate working at all of the clubs around the city. Our copy editor bought us a round of MGDs in order to enter us in a draw with a chance to win a free “private” show, but alas, we did not win.

Nothing too eventful happened at this place, but it was definitely the highlight of the night. A good atmosphere and friendly staff and patrons, with a reasonable cover and cheap beer made this place the best club of the night.

Rating: 8.5 — A diamond in the rough

Our last stop of the night was Centerfolds. There was no cover, and it was easy to see why. The place was nothing spectacular, and there were hardly any people in it. We ordered a few drinks, but by this time, most of us were half in the bag. A waitress soon came up to us and informed us that if we didn’t each buy more drinks, they wouldn’t let the dancer go on. She motioned over to the dancer, and it was the same one we had just saw at Club Fantasy! Judging by the puzzled look on her face, I think she recognised us too.

Since we had pretty much seen what this place had to offer, including the dancer, we decided to leave, but not before buying pizza from a pizza guy who had been selling pizza at every strip club we had been at that night. (There’s nothing better for the image of a newspaper than having its staff as recognised regulars of the Winnipeg strip scene.)

Rating: 3.5 — Don’t kick out reporters, they will give you a bad review