Thought maze: Volume III
You’re not still reading these, are you?
BEN POGGEMILLER STAFF
When are they going to stop calling new gaming consoles “next-gen” and the older generation “current-gen?” It’s like calling the small popcorn “regular.”
I’ve decided that soccer should be called “football.” The rest of the world calls it that, so why should we be different? The sport that we know as football should hereby be known as “tackleball,” which is a far more appropriate name and leads to less confusion in international conversations. Of course, none of this would be possible without the formation of the GSNI (Global Sports Naming Initiative).
Things my girlfriend says when she’s losing at Mario Kart that would make Sarge from Beetle Bailey jealous:
“%@#$”
“#&*”
“@&*& @%&#!”
Slogans I could come up with off the top of my head that
are better than “Spirited Energy”:
“Fickle Manitoba.”
“Hey, at least we’re not Saskatchewan.”
“Don’t try to come in our lane, we won’t let you in.”
A conclusion to an inspirational speech made three-quarters of the way through a science fiction movie prior to the quintessential battle that determines the fate of the galaxy:
“Shoot straight, let your aim be true and know that you are heroes of the Sapien Empire. By this time tomorrow, the Aquatic Alliance will fall to the forces of Terra Sigma.”
Highlights of the Beach Boys concert:
“Wouldn’t It Be Nice.”
Mike Love kicking a beach ball in slow motion on the
big screens.
Liquored up middle-aged women singing along and bumping into
me.
Phrases that seem harmless when walking out of a test that went well, but on second thought, come off a little dirty:
“That prof is so easy.”
“I thought I was screwed, but I nailed it.”
“That
was test-acular.”
Things it seems I expend more mental energy on than school:
Animaniacs
“How does Neil Peart do that?”
“How does reversing the rotation of the Earth allow Superman to reverse time?”
“Oh I get it, so Fraggle Rock is a gateway between two universes!”
If you’re ever in a day-long detention with four other people, and you’re being mischievous, and the principal comes in and says he heard a ruckus, make sure you ask him to describe the ruckus. He’ll get angry and it’ll get you off the hook. It only works if you stick together, though.
Well, the trilogy is over. If you like what you read, let me know. This way, when I want to do more, I can say “by popular demand.” In fact, if you don’t like it, let me know as well, otherwise I’m going to keep doing these.
