Judging a book by its cover: The Odyssey
Reviewer fails to read book, instead provides shallow and utterly implausible account of one of western civilization’s greatest literary works
TIMOTHY BROWN STAFF
Welcome to the first installation of “Judging a book by its cover” for the Manitoban. Basically, what I do is this: I take a book and I judge what that book is about, based solely on its cover. It’s a pretty simple concept, so with that, let’s begin.
For this issue, I will be looking at The Odyssey by Homer. Now, take a good look at the cover shown above, I know I have. Honestly, what the hell would this book be about? Is it about a hero who struggles over many years and endures many hardships just to get back home? Don’t be stupid. Look at that guy on the cover, he’s obviously the main character and look how happy he is. Who would be that happy if they had to travel for years on end, dealing with one problem after another? Not that guy, that’s for sure. And look, he’s got a little fish hangin’ with him. Maybe it’s about fishing. Maybe it’s a book that portrays an anti-fishing message. Well, after a careful analyzation of the cover’s prevailing themes and graphical interplay, I’ve come up with what I think is a pretty solid idea of what The Odyssey is really about.
You’ve got this main character, and he’s one cool dude. He just chills out, relaxes on the beach and does his own thing. Does he march to someone else’s beat? No! He’s his own man, independent and carefree. Well one day, while chillaxin’ down by the beach, he notices this fish jumping out of the water like some crazy fool. So he yells over “Hey you crazy fish, why are you jumping outta the water like some crazy fool?” The fish signals for him to come close and tells him, in a rather intimate exchange, how his magical underwater village has been invaded and now all his friends and family are forced to work for these evil oppressors.
Who might these evil oppressors be, who are ruining everybody’s good time? The Irish, that’s who. Those bastards have been going around and invading all over the place. And now they’ve taken over the magical village of Fishopolis. When the main character heard this, boy was he pissed. No Irish were going to fuck with this little fish guy. So he and Fish Guy set off to stop the damned Irish and bring back harmony to the world. (Oh, and Fish Guy is a magical fish that can breathe air while floating above the ground and has the capability to shoot bullets from its mouth and fire laser beams from its eyes.)
Well, it turns out that the main character and Fish Guy end up having to fight their way through thousands of Irish soldiers to make their way to the capital of the Irish, Leprechauntis. Even though it was a long, bloody trek, they still had fun. They sang songs as they slaughtered tiny Irish soldiers left and right, and they both couldn’t stop smiling.
Once they arrived at the capital, they went and found the people in charge. They told them that they had to stop invading places because it just wasn’t cool. After a lengthy discussion, they all came to an agreement that the Irish and the rest of the world could live in harmony. And with Fish Guy as their new, all-powerful leader, the world was, once again, in harmony. Now the main character was free to go back to relaxing on the beach, and being the cool badass that he was.
