The buyback blues
SHAWNA SWEENEY VOLUNTEER STAFF
There are few places that strike more fear into the gentle hearts of students than the campus bookstore. You spend each semester hoping beyond hope that after hauling 300 pounds of used textbooks down to the auction block you will get a small amount of cash in return. But inevitably at least 100 pounds of these so-called “required texts” will have been discontinued, devalued or discarded. A book that was worth $125 four months ago is now only worth 12 pounds of depreciated pain.
But there is little room for despair in the high stakes game of higher education. The college experience demands an advanced level of ingenuity and problem solving to pull through bouts of extreme injustice and economic depression. Here are 10 alternative uses for unsold textbooks that will chase away the buyback blues in no time.
Homemade origami — Hobbies can get very expensive on a tight budget, but sometimes you can use common materials instead of costly arts and crafts supplies. The worthless glossy pages of Modern Photography and Introduction to Resource Management can be torn apart for hours upon hours of paper-folding fun. After turning your favorite captions into sunflowers and dolphins, you’ll never torch a textbook again.
Chiropractic correction — Schlepping 50 pounds of books around all semester does a number on neck and spinal health. But who has the time or money for expensive chiropractic visits? Instead of wasting precious resources on medically trained professionals, try tying a long string around Cultural Values of Paupa New Guinea and hanging it from your forehead. Any spinal abnormalities will be immediately corrected by the 15 pounds of dead weight dangling from your skull.
Smart furniture — Couches and tables do not come cheap these days, so if you are running short on kindly relatives or cash it is easy to build new furniture out of old textbooks. The required reading from that industrial design elective will sure come in handy when you have to figure out how to make a freestanding recliner out of Modern Principles of Interior Design and a Calc III workbook.
Snazzy shoes — Forget about Keds and Doc Martens. Imagine yourself strutting around with Abnormal Psychology and the major works of Nietzsche strapped to your feet. Within a few short hours you could have the smartest insoles on campus.
Skeet shooting — Some courses assign textbooks so painful that they pollute your whole living environment with their very existence. The only solution for books that toxic is to reserve a little time at the local firing range or go to a remote clearing so that you can fire away to free yourself of frustration. And . . . pull!
Build your own spaceship — That physics lab you took junior year is going to come in mighty handy when you begin construction on your very own spaceship. Experience real-life fantasies of starlight and moonwalks while sealing those sleek covers together into a seamless marvel of science. Note: some additional materials may be necessary to achieve actual Earth orbit.
Recycling — Probably the most reasonable solution to excess inventory, many options exist for recycling textbooks. School districts and local libraries will sometimes accept donation texts as well as many paper pulpers and book-supply stores. Just because you can’t profit doesn’t mean someone else shouldn’t.
Alternative housing — Learning can become a lifetime commitment when you build your own version of home-sweet-home from 200 pounds of prior education. Unfortunately, indoor plumbing and electricity are currently unavailable in the venues zoned for cardboard construction, but a simple candle and carefully placed honey-bucket will ensure that you stay regular and keep getting the education you paid for.
Make a friend — You always wanted to get closer to that attractive young lady on the cover of Human Sexuality and now is your big chance! First lay all your books out on the floor and select a face for your new friend from the covers you have available. Then select texts for the arms, legs and abdomen. Gluing them all together will give you a study buddy for life!
Generous gifts — No holiday season is complete without a fullcolour text of Human Anatomy. Imagine the expressions of joy and gratitude on the faces of friends and family when they rip open their wrapping paper to reveal slightly worn copies of Learning C++ and An Overview of Mayan Culture. It’s fun for all ages!
