Thought maze: volume II
Now with 1,100% more lists
BEN POGGEMILLER STAFF
Movies that I have never seen, but have been thoroughly unimpressed
with, simply from the title alone:
Absence of Malice
Addicted to Love
It Was a Short Summer, Charlie Brown
The
Making of “Absence of Malice”
The Conversation Ernest Does his Taxes
What the world would be like if things I thought as a young
child were true:
Ernest Scared Stupid is the scariest movie ever made.
If I flushed a watch down the toilet it would go on a magical, enchanting
adventure to a world unbeknownst to me.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids is 100 per cent plausible and could happen to
me at any time.
The words “ask” and “tell” mean exactly the same thing.
Prison is exactly like in Ernest Goes to Jail.
Smartass comments I would make if I were a professor
and a student has just walked in excessively late:
“. . . And that’s exactly what you have to do to get 100 per cent on the final
exam.”
“I’ve just been filling in up to this point, the real professor is here.”
“. . . And thus ended my 750 consecutive days of following the Grateful Dead.
A week later I became a professor.”
“Get out.”
Graphing on the axis of evil:
y = Iraq2
d/dIran (Iran)3 = 3(Iran) 2
Reasons why I can’t make fun of parking patrol
in a newspaper:
It could be considered libellous.
I might degrade their public image.
They might sue me after the Two Minutes Hate.
Convoluted phrases I encountered recently:
“She didn’t just not do nothing.”
Reasons why a Chrysler as big as a whale wouldn’t
work:
Parallel parking
Getting charged extra at the drive-in
It couldn’t set sail
Love Shack doesn’t validate
Rejected titles for Creedence Clearwater Revival’s
“Bad Moon Rising”:
Horrible Sun Setting
Disheartening Eclipse Occurring (solar)
That little red dot, I think it might be Mars, I’m not sure but whatever it
is, it’s not good
Bad Astronomical Event Compared to the War in Vietnam
Conclusions to MasterCard commercials that didn’t
quite make it: Finding out your Mafia pals made that “problem” in your
trunk go away: priceless.
You and Jughead breaking Mr. Lodge’s priceless antique vase: priceless.
Putting a price on love: priceless.
Mispronunciations of my last name, some intentional,
some not: 1. Paga-hoo-miller
2. Pogge-washava (trails off . . .)
3. Ponakarvosky
4. Podge-miller (Unintentional: 1, 2,4)
A recap of Bob Barker’s reign in the game show
industry:
1350 — “If you can guess how much you’ll be tithing this
year without going over . . . .”
1610 — “Wow, look at this Baroque portrait
of me, on the bottom it says, ‘I drove from Texas to play Hole in One.’” 2006
— “What did you bid? Now this is why my hair is white.”
2075 — “Seriously,
enough with the Plinko already. I know it’s popular, but this is friggin’
ridiculous.”
3000 — “Now make sure the Nuclear Hyper-Mega Wheel goes all the
way around, Gladys. But seriously, don’t spin it too fast!”
