Washroom etiquette

For the guys

BEN POGGEMILLER STAFF

ILLUSTRATION: DAPHNE DACQUAY

When it comes to washroom etiquette, men are fairly straightforward. The rules are so inborn that any deviation from them is perceived as madness. There are several core rules that all men follow, with slight variation dependent on each male’s degree of paranoia.

Men hold the same philosophy for going to the bathroom as they do for shopping: get in, make an exchange, and get out. Men take pride in the speed of their washroom procedure. Efficiency is essential to dominating the washroom line at movie theatres, concerts and sporting events. Many of the other rules stem from this one.

Never have a conversation in the washroom. I don’t need to repeat this, but what the heck, it’s too important. NEVER

In addition, avoid looking at any part of another man’s body, especially while “performing.” A good way of remembering this is to memorize the axiom, “Keep your eyes on the road, and nobody gets punched.”

have a conversation in the washroom. In fact, make as little noise as possible, in all aspects of the washroom procedure. Perhaps a quick hello to a friend might be allowed, but to be safe, just ignore them and talk to them outside. Talking in the washroom slows down operation times, and if someone is talking while doing their business, it makes every male within a five-mile radius uncomfortable and awkward. Occasionally a man will whistle, perhaps nervously, but this is strictly forbidden. The last thing men want to hear while relieving themselves is a joyful tune.

It follows that eye contact is also forbidden. This is a no-brainer, since eye contact provides unnecessary tension and an unwanted personal connection in the washroom. In addition, avoid looking at any part of another man’s body, especially while “performing.” A good way of remembering this is to memorize the axiom, “Keep your eyes on the road, and nobody gets punched.” Fortunately, many washrooms have ads directly in the line of sight while at a urinal, which serve to stop eyes from wandering.

Perhaps the most important and most debated procedure involved in going to a public washroom is urinal selection. While not all possible contingencies can be accounted for, some unspoken guidelines are already in place. When no urinals are occupied, the best option is to select the one on the far right or far left side. This allows other men who enter the washroom to have maximum selection, and reduces the number of potential neighbours to one. If the far left is taken, select the one on the far right, and vice versa. If both the far left and far right are occupied, select one in the middle, being sure to leave a buffer urinal on both sides. A buffer urinal, for the uneducated, is an empty urinal between occupants, instituted for comfort. When entering the washroom, if there are only urinals available that do not have a buffer urinal on both sides, there are several choices available. This is the part of male washroom etiquette which is most open to debate. Orthodox males will either find an open stall, circumventing the whole urinal situation, or they will simply leave and come back later. In some interpretations, if it is an extreme emergency, it is acceptable to forfeit the buffer urinal. Some men will take any open urinal, regardless of urgency, with wanton disregard for the rules. Either they are completely comfortable with their bodies, and with the bodies of other men, or they are anarchists, hoping for the downfall of society.

For the girls

MELISSA HIEBERT STAFF

ILLUSTRATION: DAPHNE DACQUAY

While guys follow a strict code of conduct when it comes to washroom behaviour, girls’ washroom etiquette is, comparatively, a frenzied free-for-all. However, one thing that they have in common is that women also hold the same philosophy for the washroom as they do for shopping, which includes: dragging along all your friends, waiting in long lines, chatting for awhile, doing your makeup, fixing your hair, and maybe, just maybe, getting around to doing what it was that you came for (if you haven’t already forgotten by then).

But really, there aren’t many rules when it comes to washroom etiquette for women. However, there are some strange rituals. For one, I’ve seen girls who always turn on the taps before

If guys seem to think that it’s weird for girls to go to the bathroom together, I think that it’s even weirder that guys are all comfortable with whipping it out in front of everyone and anyone, leaving it open for any Pee-wee Herman to take a peek at.

they enter a stall, just so that no one else in the general vicinity can hear them as they pee. Not only is this an unnecessary waste of water, it also does little to drown out the inevitable tinkling sound. It’s a public washroom, and what do people do in them? Pee! Get used to it.

Girls’ washrooms have little to do with bodily functions though, and often serve as a much-needed sanction from the world with icky boys in it. Why do you think girls go to the washroom so much? Just kidding. The fact is that girls have way more reasons to go to the washroom than guys, and most likely have smaller bladders. I suppose we could be macho and hold it in forever just so that we don’t have to fear for our insecure lives about accidentally making eye contact with another human being in the bathroom, but I think we’d rather just go for it.

Honestly, I don’t know why there is this perpetuated rumour about girls going to the bathroom together. I have never gone to the bathroom in a group, nor have I seen many people around campus going to the bathroom with their friends. Granted, there are a select few who propagate the stereotype, but often they aren’t actually going to the bathroom, but rather just going to put on makeup or engage in some “girls-only” gossip (i.e. they’re talking about you). Also, guys seem to forget that girls’ washrooms consist solely of stalls. If girls all peed out in the open, I guarantee they wouldn’t be going to the bathroom at all, let alone in groups. And, if guys seem to think that it’s weird for girls to go to the bathroom together, I think that it’s even weirder that guys are all comfortable with whipping it out in front of everyone and anyone, leaving it open for any Pee-wee Herman to take a peek at.

I also think that peeing into the huge trough-style urinal that I’ve heard they have at the stadium is equally as gross, but I digress.

The funny thing about it all is that girls’ washrooms, no matter how much more chaotic and frequented (I would guess about three to four times more), always maintain a decent level of sanitation, while the guys’ washrooms are typically urine-soaked hell-holes. It never fails. Maybe this is because girls will never try to have “aiming” contests, nor will they compete with their friends to see who has the longest range. And they will definitely never piss all over the walls or on the floor just because they can.





Volume 94 Issue 9	The Official University of Manitoba Students' Newspaper Website	October 18, 2006

Home About Us Advertise Contact Staff Current Issue PDF Employment Letters to the Editor Meet the Staff Online Archives Personals Volunteer	Font Size Respond Email Print-Friendly Washroom etiquette For the guys BEN POGGEMILLER STAFF ILLUSTRATION: DAPHNE DACQUAY When it comes to washroom etiquette, men are fairly straightforward. The rules are so inborn that any deviation from them is perceived as madness. There are several core rules that all men follow, with slight variation dependent on each male’s degree of paranoia. Men hold the same philosophy for going to the bathroom as they do for shopping: get in, make an exchange, and get out. Men take pride in the speed of their washroom procedure. Efficiency is essential to dominating the washroom line at movie theatres, concerts and sporting events. Many of the other rules stem from this one. Never have a conversation in the washroom. I don’t need to repeat this, but what the heck, it’s too important. NEVER In addition, avoid looking at any part of another man’s body, especially while “performing.” A good way of remembering this is to memorize the axiom, “Keep your eyes on the road, and nobody gets punched.” have a conversation in the washroom. In fact, make as little noise as possible, in all aspects of the washroom procedure. Perhaps a quick hello to a friend might be allowed, but to be safe, just ignore them and talk to them outside. Talking in the washroom slows down operation times, and if someone is talking while doing their business, it makes every male within a five-mile radius uncomfortable and awkward. Occasionally a man will whistle, perhaps nervously, but this is strictly forbidden. The last thing men want to hear while relieving themselves is a joyful tune. It follows that eye contact is also forbidden. This is a no-brainer, since eye contact provides unnecessary tension and an unwanted personal connection in the washroom. In addition, avoid looking at any part of another man’s body, especially while “performing.” A good way of remembering this is to memorize the axiom, “Keep your eyes on the road, and nobody gets punched.” Fortunately, many washrooms have ads directly in the line of sight while at a urinal, which serve to stop eyes from wandering. Perhaps the most important and most debated procedure involved in going to a public washroom is urinal selection. While not all possible contingencies can be accounted for, some unspoken guidelines are already in place. When no urinals are occupied, the best option is to select the one on the far right or far left side. This allows other men who enter the washroom to have maximum selection, and reduces the number of potential neighbours to one. If the far left is taken, select the one on the far right, and vice versa. If both the far left and far right are occupied, select one in the middle, being sure to leave a buffer urinal on both sides. A buffer urinal, for the uneducated, is an empty urinal between occupants, instituted for comfort. When entering the washroom, if there are only urinals available that do not have a buffer urinal on both sides, there are several choices available. This is the part of male washroom etiquette which is most open to debate. Orthodox males will either find an open stall, circumventing the whole urinal situation, or they will simply leave and come back later. In some interpretations, if it is an extreme emergency, it is acceptable to forfeit the buffer urinal. Some men will take any open urinal, regardless of urgency, with wanton disregard for the rules. Either they are completely comfortable with their bodies, and with the bodies of other men, or they are anarchists, hoping for the downfall of society. For the girls MELISSA HIEBERT STAFF ILLUSTRATION: DAPHNE DACQUAY While guys follow a strict code of conduct when it comes to washroom behaviour, girls’ washroom etiquette is, comparatively, a frenzied free-for-all. However, one thing that they have in common is that women also hold the same philosophy for the washroom as they do for shopping, which includes: dragging along all your friends, waiting in long lines, chatting for awhile, doing your makeup, fixing your hair, and maybe, just maybe, getting around to doing what it was that you came for (if you haven’t already forgotten by then). But really, there aren’t many rules when it comes to washroom etiquette for women. However, there are some strange rituals. For one, I’ve seen girls who always turn on the taps before If guys seem to think that it’s weird for girls to go to the bathroom together, I think that it’s even weirder that guys are all comfortable with whipping it out in front of everyone and anyone, leaving it open for any Pee-wee Herman to take a peek at. they enter a stall, just so that no one else in the general vicinity can hear them as they pee. Not only is this an unnecessary waste of water, it also does little to drown out the inevitable tinkling sound. It’s a public washroom, and what do people do in them? Pee! Get used to it. Girls’ washrooms have little to do with bodily functions though, and often serve as a much-needed sanction from the world with icky boys in it. Why do you think girls go to the washroom so much? Just kidding. The fact is that girls have way more reasons to go to the washroom than guys, and most likely have smaller bladders. I suppose we could be macho and hold it in forever just so that we don’t have to fear for our insecure lives about accidentally making eye contact with another human being in the bathroom, but I think we’d rather just go for it. Honestly, I don’t know why there is this perpetuated rumour about girls going to the bathroom together. I have never gone to the bathroom in a group, nor have I seen many people around campus going to the bathroom with their friends. Granted, there are a select few who propagate the stereotype, but often they aren’t actually going to the bathroom, but rather just going to put on makeup or engage in some “girls-only” gossip (i.e. they’re talking about you). Also, guys seem to forget that girls’ washrooms consist solely of stalls. If girls all peed out in the open, I guarantee they wouldn’t be going to the bathroom at all, let alone in groups. And, if guys seem to think that it’s weird for girls to go to the bathroom together, I think that it’s even weirder that guys are all comfortable with whipping it out in front of everyone and anyone, leaving it open for any Pee-wee Herman to take a peek at. I also think that peeing into the huge trough-style urinal that I’ve heard they have at the stadium is equally as gross, but I digress. The funny thing about it all is that girls’ washrooms, no matter how much more chaotic and frequented (I would guess about three to four times more), always maintain a decent level of sanitation, while the guys’ washrooms are typically urine-soaked hell-holes. It never fails. Maybe this is because girls will never try to have “aiming” contests, nor will they compete with their friends to see who has the longest range. And they will definitely never piss all over the walls or on the floor just because they can.


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