Inside Scoop
Holliwood's Six-Step Summer System Exposed
RYAN HLADUN
Through an inside source, the Manitoban has obtained these written notes from inside a Hollywood studio meeting. The following is a six-step process the executives underwent in determining this summer’s worst-yet lineup. Warning: the content may cause you to gouge out your eyes and/or drive a hammer into your forehead.
The Process
Rush a couple sequels
into production
Okay people, this is it. Box office
numbers are falling fast. We need
something . . . what’s the word? New?
No. Fresh? No. I know! Familiar! People
are really looking forward to the
new X-Men movie, so we better not
disappoint them. Let’s throw together
some quick action scenes and forget
the story. Who’s the best action director
in Hollywood? There was a drunken
guy at the party last night claiming to be. Ratner is his name I think. Hire
that man!
Next — our big movie of the summer will obviously be the Pirates sequel. We think it would be a good idea to rehash many of Johnny Depp’s lines and gags from the first movie. Moviegoers have short memories.
Generate controversy no matter who you piss off Use “Brokeback Mountain logic”: Psst . . . Can you keep a secret? Superman’s gay! Yeah, the whole Lois thing was a front to hide his true feelings for Jimmy Olsen. To generate a buzz for this summer’s Superman Returns we’ll plant a story of fan rumblings questioning Supe’s sexuality. We’ll take it as far as all the major news outlets. It can’t fail! We’ll have the film’s director Brian Singer and lead Brandon Routh grilled on the subject on CNN’s Larry King Live. CNN: always first to get to the bottom of things . . . literally.
Use “What Would Jesus Do logic”: The deity who could turn water into wine can turn crappy movies into box office bucks. The Da Vinci Code is boring and Tom Hanks looks like he’s mutated into an eggplant, but the movie will kill at the box office. It’ll be funny how the ones that are most offended by the film before seeing it will claim to have enjoyed it the most afterward.
Note for future meeting: Think about distributing the movie made by the world’s most boring person about the world’s most boring topic. Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth will do little for sparking long-term interest in global warming, but could make a bunch of money. We’ll take the good with the bad. Well, maybe just the good.
Pick a comedy script at random and cast Adam Sandler Sandler is our 100 million dollar man. He can twiddle his thumbs and talk gibberish for two hours and people will pay money to see it. Come to think of it, that’s all he does anyway. Listen to this: Sandler plays a family man who gets a remote control that has the power to alter reality. Good, but it’s missing something. Sandler uses the remote to stare at women’s breasts. Perfect! Cast David Hasslehoff and bring Christopher Walken down another peg and we’ve got a blockbuster!
Animate the first thing that comes to mind in the morning Let’s see . . . this morning I got up and brushed my teeth. How about an animated movie about a heroic toothbrush fighting evil gingivitis? Wait, wasn’t that a commercial? Next, I went to the toilet and did my business. Can we animate human excrement? That’s sounds like a winter project. I then ate breakfast. Boring. I got dressed and got into my car . . . my car . . . that’s it! A movie about talking cars! It’s genius. I also remember stepping on an ant. But we already have an ant movie or two. Who cares!
Remake, remake, remake! Forget about last summer’s bombs, people still love remakes, right? We’ll fast track production on two remakes of movies no one cared about to begin with. What are Kurt Russell and that guy from Jaws doing now? Nothing? Great! Get them on board. We’ll spend a couple hundred million dollars on Poseidon and hope people will care about seeing a dull, emotionless version of Titanic.
And we’re in luck because we’ve got a special day to work with coming up — June 6, 2006. Anyone remember The Omen? It was that one about the kid who was really the son of Satan. No, that’s Rosemary’s Baby. The other one. Never mind. Just find a kid with pale skin and black hair and spend 12 hours a day with him perfecting a scary facial expression. That face will sell this movie. We don’t care if he can’t act.
Pick a movie with a catchy title Well, it’s the end of a long, productive meeting. We’re exhausted, but it was worth it for the fans (by fans we mean board of governors). Now all we need to do is title this last movie. Any ideas? It’s about a terrorist attack on a plane. They use snakes. Anyone?
