Slapdash Salutation
A diatribe against “how’s it going?”
REGAN SARMATIUK/
Joe: Hey, Mary! How’s it going?
Mary: Good, thanks! How are you?!
Joe: Great!!
Do you see anything wrong with the
above exchange, aside from the fact
that, grammatically speaking, Mary
should have said she is doing “well,”
rather than “good?” (Thanks for
that one, grandma.) Nope, nothing
wrong, you say? Coast is clear? Well,
guess again! There is a sinister force
at work in that little ditty of dialogue
that is making liars of us all. It needs
to be exposed and expunged, and Joe
and Mary aren’t the only culprits here
— we all have a part to play. Permit
me to elaborate.
How many times a day do you ask the question “how’s it going?” — I’m guessing several. When you do ask it, how frequently do you receive an honest answer? Not sure? Okay, well . . . how many times do you give a truly honest answer when someone sends a “HIG” your way? Precisely.
Now, if you’re feeling like an awful liar and a moral failure don’t worry, it’s not your fault — the main problem with the HIG is that it facilitates dishonesty. It’s an entirely inappropriate question to be used in a greeting in the generic, widespread way that it is commonly used in our culture.
Part of the problem is that a HIG isn’t suited to most settings and relational contexts. For example, if you were to run into an old acquaintance in passing at the mall — hardly an intimate setting — and you were to pull a HIG, you would probably be taken aback if your acquaintance answered honestly: “Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend and this is the first time I’ve showered and set foot in public all week.”
Yes, this poor soul didn’t need to answer in such detail, but why force someone who is already going through the ringer into a fresh remembrance of their circumstances and either a mildly honest, but sufficiently detail-less answer (“Oh, things have been better”), or the standard “Okay.” And really, “okay” hardly ever means “good”; it just feels less false than “crappy” without forcing your friend to be labelled a negative Nancy.
You may think I’m either nitpicking or a little crazy (and you wouldn’t necessarily be wrong) but I’m not the only one who has chosen to do battle with the all-powerful HIG. Apparently, the gentleman in charge of a website entitled “drunkenhello.com” feels the same way (and if that website URL doesn’t lend credibility to my argument, nothing will). “Since when,” writes this gentleman, “has ‘How’s it going?’ been a valid salutation between two acquaintances who have different places to go?
“Whatever happened to a good old fashioned ‘hello’ or ‘right mate’? . . . Am I the only one who becomes completely bewildered when this question is posed?”
Now, this wonderful gentleman — who used the word “mate,” and therefore must be Australian — engages in a valuable exercise in offering alternate greetings such as “right mate.” In the interest of equipping all of us with some alternative greetings that won’t make us sound like wannabe Australians, I found a few options from other cultures.
In Botswana, some people greet each other with “how did you wake?” While in Bhutan, some ask “Is your body well?” In Jamaica, “waapun” is short for “What’s happening?” In Mauritania, they say “on you no evil,” and in Taiwan, it’s “have you eaten?” One of the nicest greetings I found was from Niue, where they say “love be with you.” Unfortunately, most of us North Americans aren’t into the touchy-feely stuff, so I doubt that this beautiful greeting will catch on here anytime soon.
Which brings me to my simple, yet effective solution to the HIG epidemic, and amazingly enough, it’s just four simple words: “good to see you.” This little gem sums up all of the sentiments that most people mean to convey in a HIG, which are “Hello, I am intending to express to you that I am happy to see you and that I care about you to some extent, even though we don’t have the time right now for a conversation of any depth.”
If time is less of a factor, a good follow-up question is: “What have you been up to lately?” This way, your acquaintance can give you a generalized answer that doesn’t require them to give any painful or trite analysis of their life’s events, should they not wish to. And remember: the juggernaut known as the HIG is not necessarily your fault — but, like Joe and Mary, you too can decide to put this verbal fart back on the shelf where it belongs.
