JOBS WORSE THAN YOURS

Unless, of course, it is your job

SHAWNA SWEENEY

One of the enormous bummers of modern life is that somewhere along the line you have to leave the comfortable nest of parental support and venture out into the world to seek gainful summer employment. So, you carefully craft your resumé and drop applications at local offices and restaurants. Wait and white-knuckle through endless interview processes. Breathe a sigh of relief when they finally call and you can start Monday.

But after a while, you realize that there is an even bigger bummer than getting a job: having a job. You have to get up early, show up in clean clothes, and even skip your afternoon nap. In short, jobs are lame.

The greatest consolation, however, is knowing that some people actually have jobs that are worse than yours. You thought that working part -time at the hummingbird zoo gift shop was pretty bad, but you were wrong. Here are nine jobs that will make you feel lucky to have yours.

Recycling Technician: These are the folks that separate the ecological wheat from the chaff. They rip open enormous bags of decaying waste, hunt through rotting towers of paper, glass and plastic, break apart appliances, and even handle dirty diapers. Eco-friendliness definitely comes at a price. And the dollar amount is smelly.

Unicycle Stuntman: One of the great pitfalls of the unicycling industry is a very low demand for services and the constant threat of unemployment. And when you finally do get work, you can expect to get banged up, knocked down, and bowled over until you hate that stupid unicycle with the burning passion of a thousand suns. And then you have to ride it home.

Goat Herder: While it is difficult to find a job as a goat herder these days, some people go the distance to travel with the herds. It seems like a good idea at first, but over time, (completely isolated from other human beings and contemporary civilization) you become a member of the goat tribe. Eventually you think like a goat, act like a goat, even smell like a goat. It’s bad news all around.

Pest Removal: From wasps and cockroaches to raccoons and spiders, this job involves getting rid of anything that scares normal people too much to handle. One day you could be attacked by bats, and the next caught in a stampede of rats. Protective clothing is a given, but you still come home drenched in sweat smelling like moldy basement or musty shed.

Portable Toilet Delivery Driver: The last kegger you attended with a portable toilet was very convenient, but all that relief adds up to bad news for the guy who has to come and clean it. Job hazards include unsteady loads, rank smells and lifting honey buckets filled with everything but honey.

Veterinarian’s Assistant: Getting slobbered on by sick pets, feeding angry, injured animals and cleaning up miscellaneous fluids are just a few highlights of working as a veterinarian’s assistant. The best days are when the clients become incontinent and you end up on doody duty.

McDonald’s Cashier: From scrubbing meat trays to emptying grease traps, this job is nasty through and through. The angriest and most impatient people in the world are hungry people — and they flock to the store in enraged droves. They want everything without pickle, with mayonnaise, without mustard but with a side of tender loving care. All you want is another Big Mac so you wage a Mac Attack on their face.

Starbucks Barrista: The only people more angry than hungry people are un-caffeinated people. Barristas have been known to lose limbs or suffer permanent scarring while trying to serve coffee at Starbucks. A caffeine junkie with a desperate case of withdrawal can level your self-esteem and faith in humanity faster than a bloody resource war. Work at your own risk.

Video Store Clerk: Video clerks get the sublime pleasure of straightening and re-shelving infinite plastic boxes, wearing a permanent popcorn perfume, and answering endless film questions from the unwashed masses. “Do you have that one with the tall man and that girl with the funny shaped head?” “Do you have that one where the characters fall in love, but then break up, but then get back together?” Do you have a shotgun?

Fish Factory Processor: On any given day your job could be chopping off heads, scooping out guts or ripping out bones. The fish come rolling down the conveyer one after the other like the spawn run from hell and you have to keep up or suffer the consequences. Warning: It is possible to become hypnotized by the lumbering stream of fish and fall asleep on the conveyer. Then the next thing you know your head is chumming it up with fish lips.