Traffic Schooled
STEVEN SILVA
Winnipeg drivers posses a unique set of driving abilities. We have to contend with snow, slush, and rain, sometimes all within one hour.
Drivers on the road are equipped with varying levels of skill and experience. You’ll find the typical seasoned veterans prowling the streets at the top of the driver food chain, the eager- to-learn beginners bringing up the inexperienced rear, and somewhere in between is where most Winnipeggers lie. You know these folks: chances are you’re one of them. These individuals have enough skill that they can manage to juggle a large double-double and a maple glazed doughnut while driving.
However, there are also some drivers that leave you completely dumbfounded as you wonder how the hell they manage to breathe and chew simultaneously. The tricky part is that they defy age and gender stereotypes; they disguise themselves as regular men and women, both young and old. I truly believe that these people are not the intellectual drain on society (though their driving style may seem to suggest otherwise), but just a little misguided. The following is assistance for all the misguided motorists out there. Just keep in mind, the first step to recovery is admitting to the problem. Say it with me now: “I, *insert name or alias,* am a shitty-ass driver.”
Ok, with the first step out of the way I’ll start with my biggest concern about these absent-minded drivers: you are not — I repeat, you are not — the only people on the road. Yeah, it’s true! Fine, don’t believe me, but look around. See, I told you! Not only are these horrific drivers oblivious to the fact that they share the roadways with other cars, but they think they can do whatever the hell they please, whenever they please.
If you’re going to change lanes, actually move into the damn lane! Don’t straddle the line for three friggin’ kilometres. Speaking of changing lanes, did you know that your car now comes with this magical lever that indicates to other drivers when you are going to change lanes? Don’t you wish they had come up with this a long time ago?
In my humble opinion, there are two foremost dangers of driving. First, driving too fast for present conditions, and secondly, driving 35km/h on streets designated for much higher speeds. In all fairness, speed can be a difficult thing to manage. Well, not really: see, there is a speedometer in your car and its sole purpose is to measure how fast you are going. It’s how conventional, competent drivers gauge their speed.
Biking to work or school is very healthy and satisfying. So please, pay attention to these people. Paying attention includes not running them off the road, hitting them, honking at them, or a perplexing combination of the three, as I have so often witnessed. On the other hand, unexpectedly crossing into another driver’s lane to avoid a biker without any warning is no fun either. So pay attention: it will save you a lot of money in lawsuits.
Now I know there are many more traffic violations I have left to cover, but my brain hurts from thinking about all the stupidity that occurs on our roadways. No, Winnipeggers aren’t the worst drivers in Canada, but I believe we are just one incident of “driving down a one-way street for three blocks” away from taking the title. In my many hours behind the wheel, I have seen both the ridiculous and the absurd. I’ve witnessed everything from attempts at U-turns in gas station stalls (hitting cement barriers and knocking over display stands along the way) to driving backwards down highway offramps.
So if you’re unsure about your own driving habits and wonder if you are among the ranks of Winnipeg’s worst drivers, here is a simple way of self-diagnosing: If you do something in traffic, and someone gives you the international symbol for “what the?” (Both hands in the air accompanied by a confused look on face), then you have just committed a traffic taboo. So please, reform! It’s never too late. If I can get just one person to stop lipsynching to a Nickelback song on the radio while talking on their cell phone to actually pay attention to the road, I’ll sleep better at night. So will all of you.
