The ultimate monster

Vampires, zombies, or Oprah?

DAVID YANISIW

Article As children, we grew up with vivid images of scary monsters everywhere. But what was it about these monsters that made them so frightening? While working in the monotony of a retail store for eight hours a day, I had plenty of time to consider matters of such grave importance. If you think about it, they all pretty much suck. That being said, who is really the ultimate monster? Let’s take a look.

Vampire

Attributes: A vampire is basically a drugged-out goth from Transylvania.

Strength: The vampire’s main strength is that he can turn himself into a bat and fly away! With a single bite, vampires can enlist others into their elitist vampire army.

Weakness: Vampires, however, can be killed with a simple stake through the heart and are susceptible to natural light — both major weaknesses.

Overall rating: 2/10. Vampires suck because they can only attack during night hours, which is only beneficial if you live somewhere northern like Alaska during winter.

Reverse vampire

Attributes: A reverse vampire is basically the same idea as a regular vampire, but is affected by night, not day.

Strength: The strength of the reverse vampire lies in the basic idea that one could walk around in daytime, biting and attacking people, and then sleep in a tanning bed by night.

Weakness: The weakness of the reverse vampire is that it is just as flawed as the original vampire, simply because they are still dependant on the earth’s natural light cycle.

Overall rating: 2/10. A reverse vampire is not really any better or worse than a regular vampire, unless of course you are in Alaska during summer (then they get a much higher rating).

Leprechaun

Attributes: These small little creatures from the heart of Ireland have been hiding their gold and making rainbows for everyone.

Strength: Leprechauns have no skills whatsoever other than being small and elusive. They are able to hide and escape ridiculously fast, thus no one has ever seen one or captured their gold.

Weakness:The list of weaknesses that leprechauns possess is endless. The first thing one naturally thinks when considering leprechauns is the Lucky Charms guy, and he is definitely not badass. These little guys are probably more scared of the Irish Republican Army killing them than of people stealing their gold.

Overall rating: 0/10. Leprechauns are a threat to no one. They are not scary, just creepy and useless.

Frankenstein

Attribute: Frankenstein is a man made out of parts of other people.

Strength: If you were to take the best components of all people ever created and put them together, a Frankenstein is the result.

Weakness: Frankenstein’s weakness is dependant on what parts of other people you choose to make it out of.

Overall rating: 10/10. If one were to take the skills and abilities of Albert Einstein, Charles Manson, Oprah, and half the members of the band Journey, this would result in an omnipowerful Frankenstein monster.

Mummy

Attribute: Mummies are typically Egyptians who were preserved after they died, but other famous examples of mummies include many communist leaders.

Strength: The mummy’s greatest strength is in the fungus that festers within their tombs for thousands of years. Just one whiff of mummy fungus, and you are as good as dead.

Weakness: The Greeks created water, fire, earth and wind to protect themselves from mummies. Mummies can probably only be destroyed by these four elements.

Overall rating: 7/10. Unlike zombies, there are very few preserved mummies so there would not be the threat of a mummy army attacking. The only reason that the mummy scores so high is due to the threat of Lenin coming back to overthrow capitalism.

Zombie

Attribute: Zombies are the dead who have come back to life in mass quantities.

Strength: Unlike mummies, every single thing that has ever been dead can be reborn as a zombie. Dogs, humans, trees, and dinosaurs are just a few examples of the potential zombie populous. Anything that was ever organic at one time could essentially come back to life in zombie form.

Weakness: The weakness of the zombie as seen in Resident Evil 1, is that they are slow and easy to kill. However, this was not the image from Resident Evil 2, but that movie just sucked so let’s stick with the slow-moving concept.

Overall rating: 9/10. The zombie threat lies in the notion that everything ever created could essentially be reborn. Dinosaur zombies — think about it.

None of the above monsters really have any skills or abilities that a normal human doesn’t already have, making these monsters all equally useless. But in a fight, I have a suspicion that the above-mentioned Frankenstein would win. Call it gut intuition, but Oprah, Manson, and Journey is one evil mix that nothing in this world could destroy.