Fun, Sun, Adventure, and sleep

How will you spend your summer?

SHAWNA SWEENEY VOLUNTEER STAFF

Long before the last exam hits the last desk in the last lecture hall, the ink is already dry on most summer vacation plans. Whether you’re working, learning, or lounging, summer vacation provides a much-needed break and chance to hoard funds for the expensive upcoming school year.

Some students take time-honoured jobs in food service and telemarketing, travel abroad to explore other cultures, or just go home and sleep for three months straight. But regardless of what you end up doing, the grass is always greener on the other side of the solstice and you might feel like your time has been wasted. In case you start to panic that your life is boring and no one will ever love you again, check out these 10 ways to kick the crap out of the ordinary, and have a killer summer vacation.

Riverboat captain. Take an adrenaline-fuelled cruise down the great rushing rivers of British Columbia while delivering crucial freight and supplies to grateful loggers and mining professionals. Some prior knowledge of seafaring and nautical terms is optimal.

Scientific research. Nothing says well-rounded like a summer sashay into the frosty bowels of Antarctica. Monitor indigenous aquatic life and tag penguins, polar bears and seals for important mating studies. Have boatloads of fun trying to build the biggest snow angel south of the equator and teaching the French scientists to say “oosik.”

Circus carnie. Get your inner freak on by joining the circus for the summer. Learn valuable job skills like how to operate the Tilt-A-Whirl, rig the Duck Pond, and overcharge at the door. Make exciting new acquaintances like Sid the Squid Kid and Tammy Tattoos while sharing long, drunken nights under the circus tents inhaling the intoxicating aroma of elephants and elephant ears.

Corporate internship. Develop important professional skills such as ass-kissing and coffee-getting with an internship that will look good on paper, but wear heavily on your quality of life. Demanding bosses, demanding deadlines, and demanding hours are just the beginning of the soul-crushing nightmare ahead. If only it was possible to sleep your way straight to the top without getting vertigo.

Third-World teacher. Travelling to deepest Africa and teaching poverty-stricken native children to read and write English will guarantee your choice of grad schools and instill a warm sense of solidarity and purpose. Receive 10 extra hardcore points for teaching through the seeping pain of dysentery.

Farmhand. Bring sexy back at 100 hoof-beats per second by tending the good earth and handling enormous herds of farm animals. Suckle at the sweet, sweet teat of nature and make genuine down-home friends like Granny May and Uncle Tom Tom.

Summer school. Sticking around the warm bosom of academia can be very comforting, and while summer classes can put a serious cramp in your work availability, it’s a good time to catch up on that ceramics class, pig latin elective and sleep. Unfortunately since the semester is so short, you have to do twice the work in half the time.

European vacation. Expand your cultural horizons and brave the wilds of the continent with only a backpack and your trusty IPod. Sleep 100 to a room in cramped student hostels, piss in a trough on the floor and discover what delectable treats you can eat on $1 of panhandled change after you run out of money. Not recommended for people with asthma, high cholesterol, or OCD.

Political consultant. Experience the thrill of campaigning and heady power of politics firsthand with a few months near the seat of power. Watch lawmaking in action and hold the hand of insecure politicians as they struggle toward reelection and pray for their careers. (Note: In many countries you need an advanced degree or years of experience to become a political consultant. But luckily in the U.S. all you need is a convincing tie.)

Easy street. Drift into eternal bliss with this delicate and mythical arrangement in which you spend the entire summer at home on the couch staring blankly into the television while occasionally getting up to use the bathroom and tap into the National Bank of Mom and Dad.