Sit down fatso
New research says being a couch potato is beneficial to health
STAN UPANCHEER STAFF
Rejoice all you lovers of football, chips and beer. Stand up and be happy all those who enjoy watching hockey and eating junk food with friends. Be proud those of you who just can’t find the energy to get off of the couch for more than the time that it takes to go to the washroom.
New research from the University of New South West Hampshire’s Un-Physical Education department suggests that being a couch potato is a great thing for your health.
The study, which was conducted over 5 years, came to the conclusion that people with a less active lifestyle and who ate nothing but chips and pop, lived much healthier lives than those who went to the gym regularly and ate healthy food.
The director of the study, Dr. F. Atba Stardo, said that he was not surprised at all by the results and actually predicted them before the study began. He went on to say that his family has been living this lifestyle for many years and that his children have never had to go to the doctor for any health related issue.
Other conclusions that the study came to were that cholesterol is actually the fountain of youth, trans-saturated fats can cure cancer, and that the best way to prevent heart attacks is lack of exercise.
Stardo, when giving the press release to discuss his findings, could hardly contain his excitement.
“I knew that this study would change the way that the world views laziness and I knew that the lifestyle choices that I make were not made just because I didn’t want to get up off the couch and make real food, but that there really is no other way to live healthily.”
He went on to recommend that people consume a minimum of five 350 gram bags of potato chips per week, with an emphasis on increasing trans fats intake. Beer intake per week should be around 24 bottles and people should spend at least 7 hours per day sitting on the couch doing nothing.
The study was the first one released by the newly formed institution and Dr. Stardo is hoping that the government will increase funding to his small department.
The Un-Physical Education department is the first of its kind in the world and Stardo and the rest of the faculty there promise that there will be many more studies just like this one conducted in the future, with an emphasis on disproving society’s view of obesity as an un-healthy lifestyle choice.
Stardo’s vision, while slightly ambitious, is to turn America into a nation that is even better known for its fat people and their long life spans. He calls all those fatsoes out there to not be ashamed of your muumuu, but to wear it proudly, as the uniform of a superior race of people.
The University of New South West Hampshire will be holding presentations all month to outline the report and it is expected that the attendance will be in the tens of thousands.
The University of Manitoba is also looking into a similar department to run as a part of its Physical Education Faculty. The new department will bring a new line of courses to the University including Chips and Pop 1010 and Couch Etiquette 2220. Look for these courses in the course calendar for the fall of 2007.
