Good band plays university centre
Confusion, rioting ensues
HANS GOLDFIST STAFF
PHOTO: DESIREE IRMA LORALIE
An apparent mix-up occurred during “Festivity Week” last Friday, as the rock band scheduled to play University Centre turned out to be quite good. Little-known local group The Flaming Death took the stage at noon, following the previous afternoon’s performances by Steeplechaser and Ocham’s Razor. When the Death’s first song, entitled “Look Into My Tiger’s Eyes,” proved to be original with a well-constructed rhythm and snappy, astute lyrics, the audience became visibly confused.
“I don’t get it,” said Timothy Clancy, a second-year engineering student, “where am I? I thought this was UC. My God, could this be the mescaline?”
Feelings of confusion, disorientation, and loss of identity accompanied the bizarre appearance of a good band on our familiar UC stage. Many students, fearing they had entered a Star Trek-like parallel universe, rushed to the bathroom to check the mirrors and see if they had goatees or facial scars, or any other visible indication that they were evil, alternate-reality versions of themselves.
When the second song, “Love Falafel,” kicked off and proved to be also good, the situation worsened. Students were seen cowering in corners, shaking uncontrollably, muttering personal information to themselves, trying to hold on to their identities in the face of what appeared to be an upheaval in the cosmic order.
“I didn’t know what to do,” Clancy said afterwards. “I thought, maybe if there’s a good band playing UC, I will ace my stats final. I always fail those things. So I ran into class to get that final done.”
When asked how he performed on the stats final, Clancy merely sobbed.
Riots broke out as the set continued and, remarkably, it was all good. Students began overturning chairs, hitting Tim Horton’s employees, throwing Molotov cocktails, and demanding lower tuition.
UMSU president Garry Sran was asked how this oversight could have happened. “I don’t know,” he said, visibly shaken. “We had to call these guys in at the last minute. I was told they would be up to UC’s crappy standards. The only thing I can say is, it must be the administration’s fault. That and high tuition fees. And the student newspaper not supporting UMSU initiatives, yeah, that too.”
However, the crowd was placated and a crisis averted when, during The Flaming Death’s final song, Dennis Quaid joined them on stage. Quaid helped power the group through a putrid rendition of “Lola,” and his sad, mid-life crisis “I’m-sorry-for-him-because-he-reminds-me-of-my-dad” shtick was sufficiently terrible øto ensure students that, yes, they were still at the University of Manitoba.
The Flaming Death could not be reached for contact. Seven students died in the incident.
