Pot hole

Has the revelation that marijuana causes global warming doomed the planet?

HANS GOLDFIST STAFF

ILLUSTRATION BY HANS OBERMAN

“I don’t know man, I guess I’m just going to have to reconsider my whole way of life.”

As Armin Johnson uttered these words, he looked down at his feet, which he shuffled uncomfortably. A single tear welled in the corner of his eye, a tear that not only reflected the lava lamp on his table, but one that reflected the sorrow and desperation of tree-huggers everywhere. Up until last Friday, Johnson was the leader of Hope for the Interests of People Promoting the International Environment (HIPPIE), an organization that was fiercely combating global climate change. He resigned his position, as did most of the organization’s members, after the release of the International Environment Committee’s (IEC) latest report on climate change.

“It’s like, my whole way of life doesn’t make sense anymore,” he said, between bong hauls.

The IEC’s ground-breaking report was released on March 24th. Its key finding was that 90 per cent of all damage done to the climate in recent years is the result of cannabis smoke exhalation. Of the remaining 10 per cent, five was the result of hemp clothing, four was attributed to unkempt facial hair, and another one per cent was caused by evil, greedy, multinational corporations.

According to Jan deBurgess, who co-authored the 2007 IEC Climate Change Report along with Henrick Googleshmidt, “The exhaled fumes of burnt marijuana have created a layer of impenetrable smog around the atmosphere, trapping heat in. We now refer to this phenomenon as the ‘Hot Box Effect.’ It seems as though the notion of ‘greenhouse gases’ was really just a myth that we got a little bit carried away with.”

For years now, the global climate crisis has put us in a dire situation, but it seems, with these new findings, the situation may become truly hopeless. Fallout from the IEC’s report continues to reverberate around the international environmental community.

Countless environmental activist leaders have resigned, and the entire movement seems on the verge of collapse. Just a few days ago, Canadians were shocked when popular public figure David Suzuki announced his retirement from his globe-friendly crusade. In his last column, published in the reprehensibly awful Uptown magazine, entitled, “Fuck, I’m ripped right now,” (April 4) Suzuki wrote,Gore“You know, I like the environment and all. All those trees and birds and shit. But fuck, man, I gotta get high.”

A sentiment echoed by many of his peers. I contacted HIPPIE leader Armin Johnson to discuss the crisis. We met up at his pad, which was poorly-lit and somber to match his mood. Even the uplifting beats of Sublime playing off his iPod couldn’t lighten up what was obviously a dark day for Mr. Johnson. We spoke on his beanbag chair, beneath a Phish poster.

“You know, when all you had to do was not drive a car, it was fine,” he said, despondently. “I mean, I never had a car in the first place. But now they want us to give up our joints [of marijuana]? Sometimes, the price is too high. You have to ask yourself, is a better tomorrow worth, like, a totally bunk today?

“I mean, I didn’t mind petitioning the government. It was fun. I liked asking the people at Tim Horton’s not to give me a paper cup. It made me feel good, and helped me forget that I lived in my mom’s basement. But this new finding really hits home. If I can’t blame government inaction, and the blindness of the general population, like, where’s the kicks man?”

Then he quietly released a stream of smoke from his pursed lips. The smoke floated hopefully for a second, then dissipated, mimicking his dreams of activism.

However, despite the loss of countless crusaders like Johnson, the environmental movement has not yet imploded altogether.

Many right-wingers, who once denied the existence of climate change, have emerged as the new “save the Earth” pundits. I spoke to Bruce Blacking, who recently founded the militant, misspelled activist organization Help for International Climate Koncerns (HICK).

“Basically, we got to get those fucking girly-men in line, and stop them from smoking the wacky tabaccy and destroying our god-damned planet,” Blacking said, spitting at, but not in, a nearby garbage.

“I mean, I understand those little bastards need to get fucked up. Hell, we all do. They just need a more conscientious way of doing it. We got to go back to the old way. Drink moonshine and corn whiskey like our forefathers did. Hell, I’m tanked right now! Just doing my part to save the fucking world, you hear?”

But some experts have cast doubt on the assumption that excessive drinking can cure climate change. Researchers at the Oxford Institute of Partying conducted a study that revealed those intoxicated on alcohol are 90 per cent more likely to respond to the query “You want a hit of this joint?” with either “Yes,” or “Why the fuck not?”

This research has led to an international debate over what is the most effective alternative fuck-up fuel. In Canada, Alberta has gone with a policy of cocaine promotion that has been condemned by the other provinces. Critics say people who are coked out only inspire others around them to resort to marijuana with their annoyingly energetic and overly talkative demeanor. Ether has been proposed by several members of the United Nations, but an ether shortage in a number of poor producer nations ? many of which end in “-stan” ? has cast doubt on the substance’s sustainability.

One alternative that has been touted of late is heroin. Former American presidential hopeful Al Gore has emerged at the forefront of the pro-heroin movement, claiming he would never have gotten through the 2000 recount debacle without “riding the big ol’ Horse.”

Gore is currently at work producing a new film extolling the benefits of heroin, called An Intravenous Truth.

rally together and embrace heroin, we can escape the greatest calamity the world has ever faced,” he said. “People on H don’t have the energy to smoke joints. In fact, they don’t have the energy to do much anything at all, thereby doing nothing to harm the planet. Except maybe exhaling carbon dioxide. But I’m told if you do enough heroin, you stop breathing altogether, and therefore are incapable of being part of the problem in any way. It really is the only solution.”

An Intravenous Truth is due to premier at next year’s Cannes film festival. According to early reports, Melissa Etheridge will do a reworked Neil Young cover for the soundtrack, called “Needle In and the Damage Undone,” and the Free Masons have already arranged for the film to win an Academy Award.

The UN is currently working to draft an international treaty called “The Glasgow Accord” binding all countries to match specific levels of heroin usage. The accord, in its early stages, already has the unconditional support of Jacques Chirac, Tony Blair, and Rent-boy.

“I just don’t understand the concept of being climate-conscious without smoking green. Or without wearing a hemp shirt, or having unkempt hair, for that matter. It just doesn’t make sense to me, and I think the planet’s doomed.”

Johnson puts down the bong and looks up at the madly swirling colours of his Phish poster for moral inspiration. But none is forthcoming. His eyes are deep abysses of defeat, craters of loss, and holes of give-up-edness.

Perhaps the world can be saved by using alternative drugs, or perhaps Johnson’s dire calculations are accurate. One thing that is sure, is that climate change is the biggest problem our generation will have to face. We can only hope that we, the future leaders, the voice of tomorrow, are motivated enough, inspired enough, and determined enough to rise to the challenge.





Volume 94 Issue 27	The Official University of Manitoba Students' Newspaper Website	April 04, 2007

Home About Us Advertise Contact Staff Current Issue PDF Employment Letters to the Editor Meet the Staff Online Archives Personals Volunteer	Font Size Respond Email Print-Friendly Pot hole Has the revelation that marijuana causes global warming doomed the planet? HANS GOLDFIST STAFF ILLUSTRATION BY HANS OBERMAN “I don’t know man, I guess I’m just going to have to reconsider my whole way of life.” As Armin Johnson uttered these words, he looked down at his feet, which he shuffled uncomfortably. A single tear welled in the corner of his eye, a tear that not only reflected the lava lamp on his table, but one that reflected the sorrow and desperation of tree-huggers everywhere. Up until last Friday, Johnson was the leader of Hope for the Interests of People Promoting the International Environment (HIPPIE), an organization that was fiercely combating global climate change. He resigned his position, as did most of the organization’s members, after the release of the International Environment Committee’s (IEC) latest report on climate change. “It’s like, my whole way of life doesn’t make sense anymore,” he said, between bong hauls. The IEC’s ground-breaking report was released on March 24th. Its key finding was that 90 per cent of all damage done to the climate in recent years is the result of cannabis smoke exhalation. Of the remaining 10 per cent, five was the result of hemp clothing, four was attributed to unkempt facial hair, and another one per cent was caused by evil, greedy, multinational corporations. According to Jan deBurgess, who co-authored the 2007 IEC Climate Change Report along with Henrick Googleshmidt, “The exhaled fumes of burnt marijuana have created a layer of impenetrable smog around the atmosphere, trapping heat in. We now refer to this phenomenon as the ‘Hot Box Effect.’ It seems as though the notion of ‘greenhouse gases’ was really just a myth that we got a little bit carried away with.” For years now, the global climate crisis has put us in a dire situation, but it seems, with these new findings, the situation may become truly hopeless. Fallout from the IEC’s report continues to reverberate around the international environmental community. The exhaled fumes of burnt marijuana have created a layer of impenetrable smog around the atmosphere, trapping heat in. We now refer to this phenomenon as the ‘Hot Box Effect.’” —Jan deBurgess, co-author of 2007 IEC International Climate Report Countless environmental activist leaders have resigned, and the entire movement seems on the verge of collapse. Just a few days ago, Canadians were shocked when popular public figure David Suzuki announced his retirement from his globe-friendly crusade. In his last column, published in the reprehensibly awful Uptown magazine, entitled, “Fuck, I’m ripped right now,” (April 4) Suzuki wrote,Gore“You know, I like the environment and all. All those trees and birds and shit. But fuck, man, I gotta get high.” A sentiment echoed by many of his peers. I contacted HIPPIE leader Armin Johnson to discuss the crisis. We met up at his pad, which was poorly-lit and somber to match his mood. Even the uplifting beats of Sublime playing off his iPod couldn’t lighten up what was obviously a dark day for Mr. Johnson. We spoke on his beanbag chair, beneath a Phish poster. “You know, when all you had to do was not drive a car, it was fine,” he said, despondently. “I mean, I never had a car in the first place. But now they want us to give up our joints [of marijuana]? Sometimes, the price is too high. You have to ask yourself, is a better tomorrow worth, like, a totally bunk today? “I mean, I didn’t mind petitioning the government. It was fun. I liked asking the people at Tim Horton’s not to give me a paper cup. It made me feel good, and helped me forget that I lived in my mom’s basement. But this new finding really hits home. If I can’t blame government inaction, and the blindness of the general population, like, where’s the kicks man?” Then he quietly released a stream of smoke from his pursed lips. The smoke floated hopefully for a second, then dissipated, mimicking his dreams of activism. However, despite the loss of countless crusaders like Johnson, the environmental movement has not yet imploded altogether. Many right-wingers, who once denied the existence of climate change, have emerged as the new “save the Earth” pundits. I spoke to Bruce Blacking, who recently founded the militant, misspelled activist organization Help for International Climate Koncerns (HICK). “Basically, we got to get those fucking girly-men in line, and stop them from smoking the wacky tabaccy and destroying our god-damned planet,” Blacking said, spitting at, but not in, a nearby garbage. “I mean, I understand those little bastards need to get fucked up. Hell, we all do. They just need a more conscientious way of doing it. We got to go back to the old way. Drink moonshine and corn whiskey like our forefathers did. Hell, I’m tanked right now! Just doing my part to save the fucking world, you hear?” But some experts have cast doubt on the assumption that excessive drinking can cure climate change. Researchers at the Oxford Institute of Partying conducted a study that revealed those intoxicated on alcohol are 90 per cent more likely to respond to the query “You want a hit of this joint?” with either “Yes,” or “Why the fuck not?” This research has led to an international debate over what is the most effective alternative fuck-up fuel. In Canada, Alberta has gone with a policy of cocaine promotion that has been condemned by the other provinces. Critics say people who are coked out only inspire others around them to resort to marijuana with their annoyingly energetic and overly talkative demeanor. Ether has been proposed by several members of the United Nations, but an ether shortage in a number of poor producer nations ? many of which end in “-stan” ? has cast doubt on the substance’s sustainability. One alternative that has been touted of late is heroin. Former American presidential hopeful Al Gore has emerged at the forefront of the pro-heroin movement, claiming he would never have gotten through the 2000 recount debacle without “riding the big ol’ Horse.” Gore is currently at work producing a new film extolling the benefits of heroin, called An Intravenous Truth. I spoke to Gore over the phone from his D.C. home. “If everyone can “People on H[eroin] don’t have the energy to smoke joints. In fact, they don’t have the energy to do much anything at all, thereby doing nothing to harm the planet.” —Al Gore“ rally together and embrace heroin, we can escape the greatest calamity the world has ever faced,” he said. “People on H don’t have the energy to smoke joints. In fact, they don’t have the energy to do much anything at all, thereby doing nothing to harm the planet. Except maybe exhaling carbon dioxide. But I’m told if you do enough heroin, you stop breathing altogether, and therefore are incapable of being part of the problem in any way. It really is the only solution.” An Intravenous Truth is due to premier at next year’s Cannes film festival. According to early reports, Melissa Etheridge will do a reworked Neil Young cover for the soundtrack, called “Needle In and the Damage Undone,” and the Free Masons have already arranged for the film to win an Academy Award. The UN is currently working to draft an international treaty called “The Glasgow Accord” binding all countries to match specific levels of heroin usage. The accord, in its early stages, already has the unconditional support of Jacques Chirac, Tony Blair, and Rent-boy. As for Armin Johnson, he believes that the situation is hopeless. “I just don’t understand the concept of being climate-conscious without smoking green. Or without wearing a hemp shirt, or having unkempt hair, for that matter. It just doesn’t make sense to me, and I think the planet’s doomed.” Johnson puts down the bong and looks up at the madly swirling colours of his Phish poster for moral inspiration. But none is forthcoming. His eyes are deep abysses of defeat, craters of loss, and holes of give-up-edness. Perhaps the world can be saved by using alternative drugs, or perhaps Johnson’s dire calculations are accurate. One thing that is sure, is that climate change is the biggest problem our generation will have to face. We can only hope that we, the future leaders, the voice of tomorrow, are motivated enough, inspired enough, and determined enough to rise to the challenge. I looked to Johnson for a closing quote, but his face was buried in the bong.


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