Thumbs up for UMSU
ERIC ARTHUR BLAIR
The recent University of Manitoba Student Union (UMSU) election confirms what everybody already knows, has known, and will forever know: our big brothers and sisters in the UMSU party will bring us victory and prosperity forever! The glorious triumph by the UMSU party should come as no surprise to anyone who follows U of M politics. After all, who would dare run against the UMSU party? Under the latest UMSU council, the U of M will become a better place for all students based on the party’s three-pronged platform: unopposed elections are peace, tuition is slavery, and the Canadian Federation of Students is strength.
To begin, the UMSU party won the election based on the indisputable fact that unopposed elections are peace. Multiple candidate elections, my friends, would quite frankly be akin to democratic civil war. Do you, the student, really want democratic choice for an election of this kind of magnitude? I mean, come on, we’re talking about those in charge of running our U of M student union! You and I are certainly not qualified to pick from a selection of candidates. Why even bother yourself with the petty politics of student government, especially when more important things are going on all around us, like the selection of the next pussycat doll? Thus, our big brothers and sisters in the UMSU party have done us students a favour by running unopposed in this year’s UMSU election.
As if the first promise of the UMSU plank was not enticing enough; let me tell you about an even better campaign promise: the scientific fact that tuition is slavery. Do you really want to allow the forces of the capitalistic jungle the freedom to exploit you? Of course you don’t! We should count our lucky stars that the UMSU party stands up to fight against the tyrannical federal and provincial governments that would dare let tuition rise, even to meet the realities of inflation. It is, after all, a priori knowledge that rising tuition fees are detrimental to everyone. Tuition is the enemy. Tuition has always been the enemy. Therefore, it is best to let the UMSU party decide what is right for us, regardless of whether you’re an engineer, social scientist, or commerce student.
Finally, the greatest principle of the UMSU party platform is the obvious reality that the CFS is strength. Adherence to any other type of strength would be ignorance,
plain and simple. Without the CFS, the ruthless politicians in the federal and provincial legislatures would have destroyed the U of M long ago. Everyone knows that the CFS looks out for all students’ interests at the U of M.
Furthermore, there is no reason to view any of the ties between the big brothers and sisters of the UMSU party and the CFS as a possible conflict of interest. Have faith in our UMSU party; they are wise and politically disinterested in advancing the careers of their colleagues. The UMSU party knows what is best for us, and there is no reason anyone should doubt them and their loyalty to the CFS.
These bold and judicious policies of the UMSU party have earned them the right to govern us students. What then, you ask, lies in store for the future with our benevolent UMSU party leading us? First my friends, let me tell you how excited I am about the newest UMSU policy, called the two-minute hate. Every now and again, the UMSU party will tell us students who we are to vehemently hate. Things like politicians, the U of W and its treacherous leader Lloyd Axworthy, free speech, multiple candidate elections, and student journalists are all suitable future targets. The UMSU party has already run one successful hate. On Feb. 7, 2007, students demonstrated their hatred towards our federal overlords and provincial oppressors with signs and angry slogans regarding tuition increases. If it were not for the UMSU party, who would stand up against our enemies?
Speaking of hate, I am most excited about the party’s boldest initiative: writecrime. Writecrime does not entail death. Writecrime is death. No longer would we have to put up with the propaganda of our enemies should this rule be rightfully enforced by the UMSU party. I for one would boldly approve of this policy, as it would also put an end to the slaughtering of millions of trees, all of which are felled in vain to voice the fanatical views of our real enemies!
Thus, let us be thankful for the recent victory of the UMSU party. Without their bold leadership, strong conviction, and omnipotent wisdom, who knows what kind of authoritarian dystopia we would find ourselves in today.
Eric Arthur Blair is an English novelist and socialist with a background in opposing European fascism and Soviet totalitarianism.
