In Brief
BY A MYSTERIOUS BEING THAT LIVES IN OUR STAFF ROOM CLOSET AND SLIPS ASSIGNED STORIES UNDER THE DOOR.
KISS army joins coalition of the willing
Gene Simmons, bassist of legendary rock band KISS, met with US President George W. Bush to pledge the band’s support for the continuing US occupation of Iraq and to officially join the Coalition of the Willing. To bolster this support, Simmons has confirmed that KISS intends to deploy several units of the KISS Army to assist American troops on the frontlines in Iraq in early May.
President Bush says that KISS is a welcome addition to the coalition, citing their “solid bass” and “double axe attack” as obvious assets in the War on Terror.
And, of course, while terrorism is a concern for everyone in the Coalition of the Willing, Simmons is frank about ulterior motives.
“Our agent hasn’t really been able to make significant in-roads in the Middle East and Central Asia, so it became necessary to pursue our goals in another fashion,” said Simmons from the Whitehouse’s Oval Office. “There’s an untapped fan-base there, and if we don’t take the necessary steps, the Rolling Stones will scoop it up.”
New bin Laden tape targets America, classic rock fans rally
A new audio tape featuring what is believed to be the voice of Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has surfaced in Saudi Arabia, according to CIA officials. The speaker (presumably bin Laden) makes several threats to America, the classic rock band best known for the hit song Horse With No Name.
In the tape, the speaker says that attacks are being planned and will be carried out against the band in response to their latest album, entitled “Here and Now”, which was released early this year.
The speaker says America has “made grave mistakes in the past”, citing the band’s abandonment of the folk-rock sound that made their debut album a hit. He continues listing America’s “crimes”, including what he describes as a “massacre” of California Dreamin’ by The Mamas & The Papas, a cover song that appeared on the soundtrack for a movie of the same name.
America quickly responded to the ultimatum.
“America does not negotiate with terrorists,” said America guitarist Dewey Burnell. “We’ve got our own bombs. Remember ‘Hat Trick’ (the band’s third album)?”
News of the tape came as British Prime Minister Tony Blair was in Washington visiting the White House.
“We, of course, will support and offer assistance to any classic rock band from England that falls under threat to terrorists,” said Blair at a Whitehouse press conference.
President Bush was surprised by the comment, saying “you’re shitting me, right? America is from England!?”
(Please see the retraction section in this issue of the Manitoban for an apology on that last line. Thank-you.)
Johnson benefit evening
A special event is to be held at the U of M to benefit all students who suffer from the last name Jonson.
Students will be contributing to the evening through a talent contest, to be judged by a panel of fifth graders, who came up with the idea after trying to think up funny names to call themselves while playing violent but surprisingly entertaining video games.
“It would be such a sucky last name,” said Joe Schmoe, a B+ student at Super Furnace Elementary in Winnipeg. “We would like to bring awareness to all of those people who sometimes make fun of the name, just because it sounds funny or could mean other things. Name-calling is not very nice.”
The event applies to all spellings and variations of the name Johnson. Tickets are just $43.96 a person and include a seat at the talent contest and a free t-shirt with the event slogan on it: “I helped touch a Johnson today”.
