Student turns vandal in, doesn't receive $200

MR. PRESIDENT

“The University offers a $200 reward for the arrest and conviction of person/s found to be committing acts of vandalism and/or thefts on University Property.”

For some, this is an ugly 70s sign, strategically bolted around the University. For others…a quest for freedom. Jacob Schmeckman, a 2nd year Psychology major, was livid when he brought a friend of his, a vandal, to the University’s attention, and went home empty handed.

2 weeks ago, Schmeckman caught his friend, Aedan O’Donovan, in the act of vandalism. “I was in the men’s washroom in the basement of University College, and as I was passing by a corner stall, I heard a marker cap hit the ground and roll towards my feet. Right away, I was suspicious, so I came back five minutes later, checking the stall for evidence. On the left wall of the stall, were the words in fresh black-felt marker, ‘God created alcohol to prevent the Irish from ruling’…We all know the quote. This was undeniably Aedan’s handwriting” Schmeckman said. He went on to explain Aedan’s motivations - simply put, Aedan is a self-loathing Irishman, and the bathroom stall was his only outlet to pour out his sad soul.

“As far as my own motivations go” Schmeckman added, “I wanted to help a brother out. The bathroom graffiti scene is quite similar to drug addiction. It starts off as a harmless hotbox in your buddy’s Jeep, but after a trippy viewing of An Inconvenient Truth at a non-denominational chuch, it quickly escalates to you keying his Jeep yelling ‘Atmospheric Genocide!’; it’s just not a good place to be. I told him that if he kept it up, he could be influenced by the other vitriolic writings on the walls. Maybe even show up at one of those ‘Looking for a Good Time’ meetings in room 304 Tier. I just told him upfront, ‘Dude, trust me, you don’t want to show up there.’

O’Donovan agreed to turn himself, repenting for his past vandalistic tendencies, and he was well-aware of the consequences – a mandatory 2 weeks volunteering with the staff in charge of Aurora’s operations. With virtually no web page skills, he fit right in with the staff. He’ll be wrapping up his volunteer hours within the next week.

Meanwhile, justice is kilometers and kilometers away for poor Schmeckman. The Department of Vandalism said that the sign is dated and should now read, “The University offers a $200 reward for the arrest and betrayal of person/s found…” The Department will not tolerate their friendship, which they deemed to be “meaningful.” The Department head, Stephane Lichte, told him, “This rule is in place to prevent con artists. The two of you could have very well have made this whole thing up, hoping to split the cash prize. Look somewhere else for your drug money…druggies.”

He appealed his case to University President, Dr. Szathmáry, who basically laughed at little Jacob. Her response? “Go whine about it to the Engineering students, they seem to have money.”