Canadian universities drop all enrolment requirements

U of M lead pack

PRITI MANEK

Many universities are preparing for the shortage of new enrolling students in classes by cutting the entry requirements down to almost nothing.

“The U of M is ahead of the game – we haven’t had any sort of challenging requirements for applicants in at least the last 25 years,” comments Emoke Szathmary, president of the U of M. “It’s time other universities take our lead and welcome even the most unlikely candidates to the table.”

Now that most children from the baby boomers era are over the age of 20, a severe lack of 18-20 year olds is expected to be applying for post secondary education. As a result, universities are feeling the bills add up and no students to pay for them.

Highschool drop outs, homeless, felons, tyrants, and some animals are now being accepted into schools on a ‘no hesitation’ vision for education.

“I really hate going to my chemistry class because the man who broke into my house at the beginning of the year is my lab partner, but the fact that student fees have actually gone down because so many more people are enrolling keeps me attending,” remarks Rose Bush, third year Aeolian Wind Harp major.

Those universities located in areas of extreme winters are experiencing some interesting things around campus during the cold seasons.

“We’ve noticed a high rate of homeless people enrolling so they have a warm place to go throughout the day. This is a good thing we think for crime rates have gone down due to their ability to now just come to school instead of going to jail,” comments Dick Trickle, Canadian university research analysis.

One of the dogs now enlisted as a student, Ninja Nuts, expressed his deep bliss to now be studying womyn studies here at the U of M, “Really, Reye’m rhappy reyond relief. Reye really rike to ree rudying bitches – really, real remale rogs! REH! Raggy! Rheres a RGHOST REHIND ROO!”