Gary Sran becomes a Knight

That’s Sir Garry to you…sort of

MIXMASTER MIKE OWNER OF THE OLSEN TWINS

He’s won two elections, led a Day of Action, and got that guy from Borat to come to the University of Manitoba for no reason at all — but UMSU president Gary Sran received his greatest honour last Friday when he was dubbed a knight of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

“With his merciless crusade for the cessation of tuition hikes, Gary Sran is a true hero for his people,” commented British prime minister Tony Blair. “He is the university students’ answer to the likes of William Wallace and Joan of Arc.”

Gary Sran was most pleased with his being granted such an honour.

“All I can say is that it is about damn time those fat cats gave me the recognition I deserve,” stated Sran in complete sincerity. “Now all I need is my Nobel Prize and I’ll be set.”

The possibility of knighting Sran had been a topic of much debate seeing as how, by most respects, he does not meet the criteria for knighthood, and above all, the thought of the knighting of him just seemed plain-old weird.

“We figured, ‘Hey, we knighted Bono, for Christ’s sake, so why not Gary Sran?’” commented Queen Elizabeth II.

For the most part, Sran’s disciples — the students of the U of M — are quite pleased with the knighting of their dear leader.

“Yeah, I had my heart set on going to somewhere like Cambridge or Oxford, hell, maybe even Yale for my degree,” said one undergrad. “That is until I heard of this Gary Sran fellow. Man, he’s the reason I decided to come to the U of M instead. Not knighting him would have simply been disgraceful.”

“The way I see it, knighting him should only be the beginning,” said another student. “The man’s face should be added to Mount Rushmore!”

With this, Sran joins a plethora of other dynamic members of the Order of the British Empire, including Elton John and Anthony Hopkins.

Unfortunately for Sran, he may not hold the title of Sir since he is not a citizen of the British Empire.

“Yeah, I’m really pissed off about that,” said Sran.

To commemorate the grandiose occasion, several changes will be implemented at the U of M. First, a statutory holiday will be enacted on Sran’s birthday. Second, St. Paul’s College will be demolished to make way for the construction of Sran’s new 3000 square foot bungalow, which will be paid for by a 30 per cent student tuition increase. And finally, University Centre will simply be renamed Gary Sran.

Still, there are some students who are most displeased with the ornamenting of Sran.

“You know the Order of the British Empire has really gone to hell when someone like him [Sran] gets this sort of recognition,” grumbled Carl Baggins, a 14th-year women’s studies major. “He hasn’t lowered tuition and I have reason to believe that it is he who keeps Tibetan freedom from being a possibility.”

This viewpoint was also shared by pretentious English major Joseph Conrad. “Sran? Knighted?” asked Conrad. “To that, all I can say is the horror . . . the horror!"

Sran’s knighthood is proudly endorsed by Aramark and Shrek the Third.