Tuition is free for everyone
(except if your parents are poor…or if you’re an engineer)
TRIX R. FERKIDDS KEY GRIP #2
PHOTO: CINAMON SCHNOPPS
Minister of tuition and provincial scientific calculations, Paul McKinnon, announced yesterday that the government has decided to fund all post-secondary education for all students who can already afford to pay for university.
“After one years worth of campaigning, we have finally won the battle,” said University of Manitoba Students’ Union president, Jerry Cran. “We have erased tuition off the face of this earth for once and for all.”
McKinnon made the announcement at Cran’s birthday party on April 2, 2007 as Sran handed out cake to each of the seven guests in attendance.
The new government funding will add almost one million dollars to paying for education, with the exception of those in engineering and of those who cannot already afford to pay. The exceptions include students who come from families who earn less than $30,000 a year combined, as well as those from visible minorities who seem to be struggling to survive in today’s overpopulated unvisible minority world.
“Students who will not be getting help are still able to take out student loans at a low per cent interest rate, in which all governmental profit will be directed directly towards the new funding for tuition,” explained McKinnon. The government hopes to generate an additional $117 million each year from this expansion of the student-loan program, which will help to pay for things like UMSU access to the Presidential bathroom in the Administration building, which smells like flowers not because of the fresh ones placed there everyday.
“I think the Day of Action played a large role in this victory,” said Cran, “It was the students that went out and supported the cause on Feb. 7 that made this difference.”
UMSU’s Day of Action was only for students who either really cared about lowering tuition fees or who could afford to supply themselves with thermal insulated hats, mittens, jackets and electric socks, while wearing the new top-of-the-line Gucci long-underwear which is guaranteed not to cause frostbite for up to ten minutes in minus 40 degree weather.
Students in the faculty of engineering need not worry that they will be affected by the change.
“I was concerned when I first heard about the change,” said seventh-year engineering student Long Mcquade, “But when I heard it wasn’t going to affect the high amounts we pay, I was relieved.”
Now that the new budget is implemented engineering students now pay twice as much as they did three months ago. Mcquade gives credit to a rally that allowed what they refer to as their “lion-God” to speak and control the amounts they pay for classes.
According to recent statistics, this new budget will affect 100 of U of M’s approximately 30,000 students — a goal Cran said he is pleased with.
“This is what we’ve been working towards. This victory brings meaning to my life and work at UMSU,” said Cran.
The new budget will take place immediately, refunding those who now pay less within a week’s time and re-charging the lower class students within three days.
“I guess that is how the dice rolls,” said first-year science student Tommy Brown. “If I have to take out more student loans, so be it. At least I know I’m helping the government and have contributed to the victory of UMSU.”
