Szathmary a centaur
U of M President a half-human
ART MALBIEN
ILLUSTRATION BY HANS OBERMAN
It was revealed last Thursday, after a shocking turn of events, that University
President Emöke Szathmáry is in fact, a centaur.
After the President was reported having a strange brown tuft of hair behind
her batting insects away, having a certain affinity for Sagittarius and commenting
on how the Chronicles of Narnia is “totally unrealistic,” an emergency
press conference was held to discuss the possibility that President Szathmáry
is a centaur.
“It’s totally true,” said Szathmáry as she walked
out from behind a desk. “I thought I’d gotten pretty good at hiding
it,” she added.
Methods for hiding her condition included sitting behind an abnormally large
desk, changing the subject whenever the topic of mythological creatures was
raised, and wearing knitted slippers to prevent the conspicuous clip-clopping
in the hallways of the University. An elaborate system of mirrors was also
implemented so that anyone entering the office of President Szathmáry
could not see her lower half.
As for the origins of her condition, Szathmáry warned, “Never
trust a satyr in the wilderness with a strange mushroom and a glittering aura
about him. There was just something about those goat legs that I couldn’t
resist.” She added, “Plus I was in college and I was experimenting.”
When asked if she ever thought about changing back, she answered, “I
had considered trying potions to restore my human form,” Szathmáry
commented, “but there are some difficulties finding the eye of a Chimera
these days. At least it’s not as bad as the people who have the top
half of a horse and the bottom half of a human.”
How this revelation will affect the University of Manitoba remains to be seen.
Rumors have been circulating that UMSU has already started a campaign entitled,
“Make Dionysus Fill the Funding Gap,” since centaurs are known
to follow the illustrious wine god. Any reports of the Minotaur status of
Gary Sran are just speculation at this point but if one looks close enough,
it looks like he has filed-down horns.
