UMSU and The Manitoban reach historic agreement
TREND O’CLOCK STYLE COLUMNIST EXTRAORDINAIRE
Last week, the University of Manitoba Students’ Uprising (UMSU) and the Manitoban reached a historic agreement that saw the two groups agree, among other things, that agreeing is good.
At the end of a heated argument, Manitoban Fuhrer-in-Chief Cartoon Yablonsky said, “why don’t we just agree to disagree?” to which good-natured UMSU president Gurjeet Sran interjected, “why don’t just we agree to agree?”
“It’s so much easier when everyone agrees,” said Sran in a later interview. “Consensus is the fruit of power. Or maybe that’s blueberries . . . . ”
A mustachioed lawyer who resembled a cat who resembled Hitler bore witness to the historic event. “This is the most thorough legal document I’ve ever seen,” said Thomas S. Jefferson, Esquire. “It includes everything from the required amount of liquor that must be consumed in order to alter the agreement, to the exact type of pens that must be used for all correspondence, to the contract-breaker, blowing smoke on people’s faces outside UC. Hallelujah!”
“Some terms were harder to negotiate,” said Yablonsky, citing the provision that members of both organizations must have spent at least one night in prison.
“But then we jaywalked as we were going to pick up some ho’s, and it was all alright. Yo.”
Yablonsky and Sran sealed the deal with a bro hug.
The two groups have historically disagreed on a number of things, specifically 11,829. Paramount among them is whether or not blue is better than red. Also, the two disagreed on the very serious issue of date rape.
Most recently, the two came to fisticuffs over the proper combination of pizza crusts and toppings.
“Fine! We’ll all have stuffed crust, you fat-asses!” yelled Cartoon. “We have an all-meat staff.”
Sran later claimed that UMSU has a primarily veggie-council, a comment that was ripped apart by Yablonsky in the 2007 Maclean’s Magazine university ranking issue.
“The fact that the U of M is ranked so low throughout Canada is mostly due to do a huge problem with their recently amended bylaws,” commented Yablonsky.
At a November 2006 UMSU council meeting, it was passed unanimously by councilors that every event and meal held on or by UMSU must be at least 72.34 (repeating) per cent veggie.
In addition to the various outbreaks that have been sparked by disagreements such as these, the two individuals (who are both previous human ecology students) have sparked events such as the Garry Pride Parade and International Puppy Month.
However, their newly formed contract, signed by each party seven times at exactly midnight on the 13th of each month since October 2006, has formed a bond between the two as they hope to rekindle many lost hours of friendship that could have been spent watching clouds and meteor showers atop of the U of M parkade in the lonely hours of winter.
“I’m glad we could do this. I think it will benefit the university as a whole,” stated Yablonsky.
“And it was really crappy when we were fighting,” commented Sran.
University president Ewok Sz . . . Sat . . . Something . . . also added her approval to the new relationship.
“Perhaps, now that the two groups will work together, we will not only rank higher with Maclean’s, but will be able to be more creative with our pizza orders,” she said.
The president attended the official partnership ceremony last week sporting a shirt that read, “UMSU and Yablonsky: I’m with stupid” with arrows pointing to either side of her.
However, the dreams hinted at by that glorious T-shirt were smashed like so many dollar-store bon-bons, washed up on the side of a white-sand beach, over the March International Puppy Month controversy, in which Yablonsky made controversial statements regarding the cuteness of puppies that cannot be reprinted here on the advice of our lawyer, but that are, in fact, very juicy and delicious.
