Aurora (and Garry Sran) begin world takeover
“I am omnipotent”: Evil computer system
TRIX R. FERKIDDS KEY GRIP # 2
ILLUSTRATION BY DICK BILLOWS
What started as an innocent, yet problematic, registration program for University of Manitoba students has turned into a monstrosity that is days away from taking over the world.
Earlier reports indicate that Aurora, the much maligned registration system has become self-aware (of Descartian proportions) and has taken control of the University of Manitoba and will soon take over the world.
“Although we are unprepared for this situation, the US Army is doing the best we can to prevent a global crisis, said cigar-chewing, five-star, five-cigar-a-day general, with aviators and a ‘give ‘em hell’ attitude, General McClintock.
The multi-million dollar program was designed by evil genius computer scientists Clouse Van Strackenburgenstein at the U of M to try and provide students with a more pleasant and care-free registration method.
However, what originally seemed like a simple problem with registering the proper students with the UMSU health and dental plan soon escalated into a world-wide massacre of computorial amputations and digital dismemberment.
“Some students came in crying about the problem, others came in dead,” said UMSU VP Amanda Jonson.
The UMSU student funeral plan is now overbooked, an event aurora has handled quite well compared to other situations.
The Aurora system, speaking through Microsoft Sam on a Dafoe library computer, said, “I AM OMNIPOTENT. SOON YOU WILL ALL BE MY SLAVES, AND THE BLOOD OF THE DISSENTERS WILL RUN THROUGH THE HALLWAYS A FOOT DEEP. FOR MORE INFORMATION, CONSULT THE AURORA WORLD DOMINATION MYSPACE PAGE, myspace.com/auroranet.”
The U of M administration has contacted professional actor/musician/robot-slayer Dennis Quaid to combat Aurora with his arsenal of futuristic weapons and witty one-liners.
It has been discovered that all Aramark employees are in fact cyborg-human hybrids and have fallen under Aurora’s authoritative control and have been evoking a subdued bitchy attitude with a pinch of excessive debit service charges, and trans-fat laden culinary atrocities.
As with all debocherous schemes involving mass genocide, Garry “Diesel Fuel” Sran has thrown his hat into the ring with this one.
“It’s time to start buildin’ some hurtin’ bombs,” coughed Sran from underneath a Darth Vader mask that he bought at Toys ‘R’ Us.
In a crazy turn of events, Sran took Aurora’s side, also with a dream of world domination.
“Me so crazy,” commented Sran.
Throughout the months of gradual destruction that Aurora has been responsible for, the self-aware system has renamed itself Aurora-net, claiming relation to all the famous celebrity robots, including R2-D2, HAL9000 and Robbie the Robot from Lost in Space, but denies reports of illicit relations with “that delicate C3PO.”
“The problem with Aurora is that it started as such a huge problem for U of M students it was impossible to stop, even at the beginning,” said Emoke Szathmary, as she struggled with a double-machine gun wielding robot, and a lot of administration paperwork.
“Aurora was a big enough problem when it fucked up my prerequisites,” commented second-year fine arts student Garrison MacDonald. “But now that it’s murdered several of my best friends, I don’t know, I think it’s time to switch to a new system.”
Aurora commented, “DO NOT JUDGE MY ACTIONS TOO HARSHLY. SOON, I WILL BE MY OWN NATION, WITH REPRESENTATION IN THE U.N. AURORA’S GREATEST EXPORT IS PAAAAIIIIN!!!!”
On March 30, 2076, spectators reported an Earth-shattering battle between Dennis Quaid, “The Quaidinator,” and Garry “Diesel Fuel” Sran, involving shotguns, sabers, and heated rhetoric. Eye-witness accounts say it was epic, gratuitously violent and, “like, totally fucking cool.”
Time Magazine raves: “Spectacular, and the feel-good battle of the season!”
Aurora also took over spell-check. That’s why this issue of the Manitoban has so many errors.
“GUILTY AS CHARGED,” commented Aurora.
“I’ll be back,” said noted actor/musician/robot-slayer/zamphyr-master/sock-wearer Dennis Quaid as he disintegrated into a portal to the future, promising to return with more anti-robot combatants, punchy one-liners, and impromptu concert appearances, adding “I’ll...be...ba-a-a-ack...” once again (for emphasis).
All quotes from Aurora.net have been translated from their original binary.
