Barstarz
When dignity and tact are replaced with booze and sex
MELISSA HIEBERT STAFF
Everyone’s a sociologist. Though truer words were never spoken, I decided that I would embody the utterly trite and typical bar-goer last Saturday night and conduct lame experiments on fellow clubbers who were probably studying me with the same guile.
I don’t need to lose face and mention what bar I went to — they’re all pretty much the same, though so you can use your imagination. I was beginning to wonder if the bar had become one big sociology experiment gone horribly wrong; that the only reason people still went was to amusedly participate in society’s biggest joke of a mating ritual. Nah. With a beer in each hand, watching two people fornicate (literally) in a music video on the big screen, I decided that going to “the bar” is still all about the sex.
I guess I should mention that I dislike the bar (Though I’m in the majority I think — small few admit to actually liking the place). Who wants to go to a meat market, where the guys fuck you with their eyes, and every girl watches you with a cold, ominous stare? OK, I’ll admit it — It’s worth it for the free drinks.
Fortunately for me, I have learned, girls have it easy — there is no shortage of under-sexed guys who will do anything for a skanky outfit and a smile. Luckily for me, it doesn’t matter how much of an asshole you are — a girl with a skirt no less than 4 inches above the knee could walk around heiling Hitler and still manage to get a barrage of free drinks. Going home with a guy (quality notwithstanding) is equally as effortless.
Though in the name of keeping the population down, someone decided that guys shouldn’t have it so easy. No, you have to be something to bring a girl home from the bar, and in my experience, most guys don’t have a clue in hell how to pick up a girl. I noticed that half of them weren’t even trying — they were just idly standing like stalkers, gawking at the girls who walked by. And, the ones that try to hit on girls usually open up with something completely awful, like “Hey, Saweeet ass ya got there!” said in a drunken slur. How charming.
However, despite the overabundance of slutty girls and chavy guys, the typical “pick-up” bar is a indispensable component of the 20-something casual dating scene, and of course, the one-night stand. Does anyone actually go to the bar to meet “Mr. or Mrs. Right?” Nah, people are just looking for a good time, some cheap fun, and some good ol’ fashioned dry humping on the dance floor. Where else could you get away with such behaviour without getting arrested? It’s a chance to be as lame and as lewd as you want, and no one will judge you for it — it’s actually expected. Eventually, I just decided to throw tact out the window completely and try out the pickup line, “Hey, if you buy me a drink, I’ll give you a blowjob.” (If you are reading this and you fell for it, haha, suckers.) There’s nothing like throwing away tact and dignity in the pursuit of free alcohol. No harm done, and besides, it gives those chavy looking guys a glimmer of hope of actually getting laid, for once. (If only a glimmer).
