Sex in rez
Doin’ it on the DL
BLAIR TRELINSKI THE FULCRUM (UNIVERSITY OF OTTAWA)
Ottawa — Having lived in a conventional university residence, I can honestly say that there is nothing quite like waking up to the moans of pleasure (or cries of disappointment) coming from your roommate’s bed three feet away from you.
As we can all agree, sex in rez is perilous at best. Not only are you having sex where everyone can hear you through the paper-thin walls, but everyone on your floor (and probably the two floors above and below you) already know what you’re up to. Yet there is hope for you lusty lads and lasses who want to get it on, but suffer from the “I live in rez and have a roommate” blues.
Cum quieter! You’ll wake everyone up
One of the biggest problems faced when trying to have sex in residence is attempting to keep it on the down-low. I write “attempting” because honestly, there is no sure-fire way to do this. Aside from turning your music up (way up), bribing your roommate to leave and keep their mouth shut (that’s at least one case of beer), or convincing your floor that the loud thumping they heard last night was just a freak thunderstorm, you’re simply out of luck. By cramming 15 students onto a floor that comfortably fits seven, the university has effectively set you up for a year of hushed, toned-down sex (yet I think that it is important to state here that if you have ever been so loud during sex that someone has called security to interrupt you, I would personally like to shake your hand and congratulate you myself).
The walk home
Applause aside, let us not forget the inevitable consequence of sex in rez, the dreaded walk of shame, which occurs the next morning when you walk from the room you “slept” in back to your place. There are a few ways to avoid such a walk — either host the event(s) in question, wake up at some ungodly hour to avoid being seen by anyone (that means before noon), or develop the power of invisibility, although none of these options are entirely foolproof. If you are so lucky as to have a single room or an understanding roommate and you can have your “friend” over, you might offer to escort them out of your building.
A change of scenery
No matter whose room you decide to spend the night in, if it’s in rez, you can’t avoid the gossip. So why not find a secluded place somewhere else outside of rez in order to get down? A hotel, although private and comfortable, can become pricy, and taking your guy or gal to a cheap motel is not likely to be conducive to your getting laid. For the more adventurous, I suggest a more exotic locale for your sex-capades. As so many good porn videos start, the university library is a great place to go. And please, don’t limit yourself to Dafoe — there are the law, music, or science libraries to explore as well.
Thinking outside the box
Not only are libraries convenient and generally deserted outside of exam time, there are also single-stall washrooms you can occupy, the tunnels, unoccupied classrooms, and even the roof of some campus buildings — if you can make your way up there. Of course, if these locations are already taken, you can always resort to the time-tested traditional spots such as a secluded corner outside (provided it’s summer or you don’t mind a little frost on your naughty bits), movie theatres, a church confessional booth, or the back seat of a car.
The last bit of advice I can leave you with is directed at those of us with a roommate. Ask the roomie what he or she is comfortable with, then establish some covert signals (pantomime, sock on doorknob, smoke signals) to tell your roommate to find alternate accommodations for the night. Remember, sex in rez can be pleasurable, magical, exhilarating, messy, or all of the above. So long as you respect your roommate’s boundaries and recall this article the next time you want to get it on, you’ll do fine.
No matter what, when, where, why, who, or how you do it, make sure you remember to have fun, play safe, and use a condom.
