Not happy with the Manitoban?

MELISSA HIEBERT STAFF

Dear UMSU members, fanatics, dissenters, and people who are just plain grumpy (if these groups are even different):

We at the Manitoban realize that we cannot please everyone all the time. While we do receive positive feedback from our readers, it has come to our attention that not everyone is always entirely happy with the paper’s content. However, we still feel that you should get the most out of your $6 student levy, and as such we have compiled a list of alternate uses for the Manitoban:

1. Oragami — I can show you how to make a badass sailboat. You can even make a whole campaign around it: “Don’t drown in debt; hop aboard the CFS lifeboat!” I’d vote for that.

2. Proofreading test — See how many spelling mistakes, grammar errors, and typos you can find in one issue, and then send it back to us with the corrections. (You may think that you’re sticking it to us, but really you’re just copy editing for free. Suckers.)

3. Birdcage liner — OK, we can’t take credit for this one; it was your suggestion.

4. Papier-mâché — Make a life-sized papier-mâché piñata of editor-in-chief Carson Jerema and bash it with baseball bats. You can get out your frustration this way, and get candy at the same time!

5. Rags — Give it to squeegee kids to use for rags; the rags they use always make my windshield dirtier anyway. If you can’t find any, go find someone with an arts degree and give it to them instead. They’ll need it soon enough.

6. Two words — free rollies. (Hey, if you’re in a pinch . . . . )

7. Fire starter — Burn down our office. Go ahead; the insurance will cover it, and we need new computers anyway.

8. Garden mulch — Because the Manitoban is comparable to fertilizer anyway, right?

I hope this helps. Enjoy!

Sincerely,

Melissa Hiebert, culture editor