Busology
NICK MACMAHON VOLUNTEER STAFF
Sound familiar? Loudus Obnoxious needs to be silenced.
We’re one step closer to Orwell’s totalitarian utopia. Winnipeg transit buses have supposedly been recording video and audio for some time now. It made me start to wonder, what is the breaking point of a man forced to endure hours of audio featuring the overrated sound of muffled Beyoncé screaming out of one too many pairs of IPod headphones? I need not research our city’s suicide statistics to offer my condolences to the families whose loved ones were responsible for viewing those tapes.
All jokes aside, audio and video recording is a step in the right direction. In order to fully realize transit peace, however, I’m starting a student-rights movement in favor of hiring abusive cops to enforce the Busology signs. Just in case you forgot, Busology is the title of the infamous educational sign series teaching bus etiquette to the ignorant and shameless. They offer a healthy alternative to advertisements — a place to avert your eyes when eye contact with the person sitting across from you has become sexual. We need immediate enforcement of these signs, before I become that shady guy at the front of the bus chatting with the driver about Winnipeg’s enormous potential.
Fortunately, Busology has covered some crucial bus etiquette territory. We already touched on Loudus Obnoxious — the ear-bleeding volumes of students’ IPods. No one can appreciate how broad your taste in music is, to the victim’s ears, everything comes out as elevator jazz or god-awful ’80s one-hit wonders played through Safeway’s dated loudspeakers.
Then, there’s Blasphemous Vocipherous, the anti-cursing law, one of my personal favourites. Obviously, this needs to be enforced due to the noise pollution caused by sentences punctuated with “fuck,” instead of the more eloquent “eh?” or “ya know?” Let’s not send our foreign exchange students home with mixed stereotypes.
Considering the fact that the Busology researchers came up with 14 of these godsends, or case studies as their website calls them, I was shocked that they had left out perhaps the epitome of mortal bus sins. Does Chewing With Your Mouth Openus ring a bell? The other day, I was running on a pathetic 8 hours of sleep, so naturally I was cranky. I slowly fell into a heavenly catatonic trance, putting me out of my misery up until a heartless soul seated behind me started chewing some sort of plasticine-like pastry. It was utterly distracting, making it impossible for me to strike up a meaningful conversation with the bus driver.
As far as enforcement goes, the cops should go undercover. Set ’em 204.474.6775up, take ’em down. For example, the cop (disguised as an insecure male grad student) could hit on a female passenger, complimenting on her rich perfume (a violation of Odorous Unbearableous). An awkward “thank you” would probably ensue, as Agent X moves in for the kill. With an intimidating impression of John Walsh of America’s Most Wanted, he would point at the hidden camera and respond “No, thank you. You’re one less threat to Transit peace because now you’re going where you belong, pal . . . behind bars!” Well, maybe not jail time . . . but definitely a perfume- and transfer-confiscation though.
Alternatively, the poor student could be forced to cough up a cruel $57 for a monthly bus pass. I’m kidding, that would be outrageous.
