Mad Libs: Meat Loaf edition
REVIEWING MEAT LOAF CONCERT WAS MERE CHILD’S PLAY

EVAN JOHNSON STAFF/ ILLUSTRATION TED BARKER

On Sunday, March 11, Meat Loaf played the MTS Centre and, being in a particularly creatively bankrupt frame of mind, I decided that rather than write a proper review, I would simply resurrect an idea I had (and used) three months ago. To quote myself: “To save time, I did what I’m sure many ‘professional’ reporters do: I wrote the article the night before and left several blanks, to be quickly and easily filled in after the concert. Genius!” So here it is again, Concert Mad-Libs in its sophomore slump; a pitiable, second-hand husk of an article; a sad, pale shadow of its former self, just like me.

The MTS Centre audience, consisting mostly of (noun pl.) socially inept teenagers and (adjective) suburban , (adjective) latent homosexual (noun pl.) hockey dads seemed (p/t verb) marginally entertained by opening act Marion Raven whose (adjective) dreary and (adjective) acoustic performance reminded me of (thing performance reminded me of) why I hate going to concerts . The highlight of Raven’s set was (song title/other event) when it ended .

After Raven left the stage, I passed the time by chatting with my (pejorative adjective) clingy and (pejorative adjective) overbearing girlfriend (girlfriend as of press time) Bronwyn . We talked about many things, from (conversation topic) her boring friends to (conversation topic) how my porn addiction is ruining our sex life . Then, just as I was saying to her (thing I was saying to her) how trapped I feel in our loveless relationship , the lights dimmed and the wait was over.

Meat Loaf, looking (adjective) weary but (adjective) still badass somehow (verb) lumbered onto the stage as his band broke into a (adjective) melodramatic and (adjective) bawdy version of (song-title) “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” from his album “Bat Out of Hell 1 .” Loaf was sporting a (adjective) navy-blue (noun) football jersey and a (adjective) stern (noun) countenance as he (verb) limped around the stage , while his (adjective) coquettish and (adjective) half-naked backup singers (verb) made gestures of “supplication” as they helped Loaf along.

Popular Loaf tracks like the (adjective) parenthetically endowed (humourously long song title) “Objects in the Rear View Mirror (May Appear Closer Than They Are)” and the (adjective) disturbingly ambiguous (song title) “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” clearly made the crowd feel (adjective) wryly amused but it was a (adjective) tear-jerking rendition of (song title) “Rock and Roll Dreams Come True” that really affected me, because it (reason it affected me) reminded me of my Rock and Roll dreams, and how one day they may finally come true .

There was 1 surprise(s): Beloved actor/rocker/golfer/lover/climatologist Dennis Quaid showed up during the encore to lead Loaf and his band through a modern re-telling of Them/Van Morrison song “Gloria,” in which Quaid inexplicably used the words “cell phone” at least once. Quaid’s celebrity pedigree clearly made the crowd feel special, and he ate up their applause.

As (girlfriend) Bronwyn and I left the MTS Centre, savouring the (noun) unseasonable warmth and (noun) despairing poverty of the downtown night, we couldn’t help but feel a little (how we felt) still pissed off at one another , and we knew that the (adjective) theatrical (noun) passion of Meatloaf’s performance and the (romantic noun) weird S&M thing we have going meant that our relationship would make it through this rough patch.