More effective cigarette warning labels
Lung cancer is a joke compared to these
DYLAN FERGUSON STAFF
As every smoker knows, the Canadian government has put big, obnoxious, and often hideous warning labels on every pack of cigarettes for some time now. Though the effort to dissuade puffers (such as myself) is admirable, I doubt it is very effective. For one thing, they make buying a pack with friends more fun (“Hey, I got a ‘you’re killing your kids,’ how ’bout you? The rotting lung? Luck-y!”). Also, I doubt those particularly stale classroom warnings have much of an impact on today’s care-free smokers, with the exception of that terrifying “smoking can make you impotent” one (“No! Take me, nicotine! Just, please, spare the Littlest Hobo!”). I suspect most of those stupid messages were drafted by non-smoking office lackeys who have no idea how to truly frighten us, so in order to help out the Canadian government I have come up with some new, more effective warning labels for cigarette packs. Happy smoking.
Warning: Enjoy standing outside in the cold like a pariah.
Warning: No, chicks don’t dig it.
Warning: Who do you think you are, Humphrey fucking Bogart?
Warning: Oh, you actually think you’re Bob Dylan? Yeah, get a life.
Warning: The bus always comes as soon as you light up. This is an unalterable scientific principle.
Warning: While you were out smoking, your team scored. And it was awesome.
Warning: You’re making your mother cry.
Warning: Have you seen a movie lately? Everyone who smokes is either a faggy European or a slimy villain who will get tossed out of a 13th-story window in the end. Some choice, huh?
Warning: Every gas station attendant is judging you. You know it’s true.
Warning: You don’t drive a car to preserve the atmosphere, yet you spew carbon monoxide out of your lungs? Go fuck George Bush, you hypocrite.
Warning: A cigarette dangling from your lips doesn’t make your stupid weasel face look any tougher.
Warning: I’m sure smoking after sex was more fun when you didn’t have to put on your clothes and go outside to do it.
Warning: You could have spent those 12 bucks on booze, you idiot.
Warning: I understand you think a raspier voice will give your singing more character. Try playing tambourine instead; I think your bandmates will appreciate it.
Warning: No, that girl is not into you — she actually just wanted a cigarette.
Warning: The months you spent at home mastering the French inhale will be all for naught once you realize how windy it is outside the bar.
Warning: Marijuana is more fun.
