In vino veri . . . la . . . ta . . . uh, something

Pass me the bottle, I need to collect my thoughts on Liquor Mart deregulation

DYLAN FERGUSON STAFF

When I returned to Winnipeg in November, after a one-year absence, I was initially blissfully ignorant to the totalitarian horrors that had unfolded during my absence.

But, like Odysseus returning to Ithaca, like Frodo returning to the Shire, my return to my beloved neighbourhood Liquor Mart was met with shock and disgust at the monstrous changes that had taken place while I was away.

Let me set the scene. I stroll into the MLCC’s delightfully antiseptic surroundings, gaze fondly upon many of my best friends’ faces peering out from rows of brown shelves (oooh, $2 off cotton-candy schnapps!) and ask a clerk for assistance.

“Excuse me, my good man, where might I find the Wild Turkey?” I inquire, that expertly-crafted, stomach-corroding Kentucky bourbon being my drink of choice.

“I’m sorry,” was the cheery reply, “we don’t carry Wild Turkey anymore.” Fascism never wore such a friendly face, or such a dopey outfit.

I was irate. I stormed out of that place without looking the employee in the eyes, pausing only to pick up a bottle of Jack Daniels (and a fistful of Air Miles) on my way out.

Manitoba suffers under a Liquor Mart monopoly, as hard liquor is regulated and distributed by the provincial government and its tyrannical liquor board, a table of crusty old men who pick and choose what we can and can’t buy. As well as when Liquor Marts are open, and where the stores are located.

Drinking Winnipeggers like to bitch about Liquor Marts. In fact, in a recent study analyzing the frequency of complaints voiced by local drunkards, “Liquor Marts suck!” ranked slightly higher than “I dropped my bus ticket in my beer!” just below “I’ll last call you!” and at approximately the same level as “Fuck, I’ve gotta finish this article by deadline!”

The argument for deregulating Liquor Marts, and opening them up to private companies, can be made in reference to Alberta, which did just that in 1994. Alberta is the only Canadian province with full liquor deregulation. When I lived in Jasper last year, I experienced the beauty first-hand. Not only could I get a bottle of Wild Turkey, I could have it delivered to my house free of additional charge, even at ungodly hours of the sinful night when I turned Momma’s picture to the wall. Some people would call this convenience. I call it love.

In the 13 years since Alberta opened its liquor outlets to competition, the number of booze-peddlers has tripled, and their hours became almost ridiculous. However, it’s worth noting that a bottle of Turkey cost me a whopping $29, whereas it was only $25 in Winnipeg — this despite the fact that our oil-rich brethren have no PST. You might think increased competition would lower hooch prices, but the greater expense of running a business without government assistance, the retailer’s need to specialize to accommodate competition, as well as flat taxes that must be imposed on product, generally force deregulated liquor to be more expensive.

Is a few extra dollars worth the convenience? Probably. But consider what happens when private companies place business ahead of social conscience. A Liquor Mart could degenerate into a Wild West scenario, with 12-year-olds buying moonshine, smash-drunk pistoleros storming the place with pockets full of stolen pesos, great drunken brawls erupting, with everybody throwing punches and bodies as the piano player obliviously plucks away, ending with complete destruction and an unconscious body draped over a ceiling fan, slowly rotating. And there is a downside, too. Alberta’s rise in liquor availability also saw a rise in alcohol consumption, and a corresponding rise in alcohol-related crimes, including deadly drunk-driving accidents.

I don’t like to have to go through The Man to wet my whiskers either, but, anarchist though I am, in my sober moments I realize we sometimes need government interference to protect us from ourselves. So we don’t crash our cars, and hit on ugly people.

It is federal law in Canada that all liquor is purchased by a government body, regardless of who is selling it. This is why in Manitoba, our private wine vendors face an interesting situation, where the Manitoba Liquor Board is not only their competition, but their supplier. This will not change, and it restricts the actual amount of purchasing freedom booze vendors have. With this in mind, wouldn’t you rather have your liquor sold to you by a well-trained, well-paid employee of a government body who will check your ID, and not serve you when you’re drunk as stank? (Underaged punks, I’m not asking you.)

It’s fun to bitch about “the liquor monopoly,” and the deregulation debate will continue to rage. But, please, let’s put a cork on it. If you can’t drag yourself out to a Liquor Mart by 8 p.m., you’re probably too much of an alcoholic anyway. If you don’t find it worth the time and effort to seek out a mart during operating hours, you’re not alcoholic enough. Either way, it’s not a big enough deal to justify increased costs, both in dollars and, possibly, lives.

Besides, I’m really getting used to Jack.