Ben P hates my department
Vol. V: Physical education-zoology
BEN POGGEMILLER STAFF
In an effort to promote tolerance, understanding and peace between departments, I have resolved to alphabetically insult every single subject taught at the University of Manitoba based on what I think they are. The U of M website, Wikipedia and stereotypes helped a bit too. Yes, it is Conan O’Brien-inspired. This is the fifth and final volume. Enjoy.
Physical education: Instructional videos watched in class include “Take a lap,” “Dodgeball builds character,” and “Notes from parents: the gym teacher’s kryptonite.”
Physics and astronomy: You have to live with the fact that Newton will always be better than you and you can never achieve anything important in your field.
Physiology: From the physiology website: “At present we have a complement of approximately 50 graduate students working towards earning a degree in Physiology.” Of course, nobody has actually graduated but there are plenty of people trying.
Plant science: I wonder if the plant science people and the botany people ever come out at night with knives and bats and have a big brawl over who gets the last bag of fertilizer.
Polish: If you’re Polish you might want to take this, but it doesn’t hurt to learn other languages in case you get divided up like a pizza again. I’m just kidding, you’re all right.
Political studies: Why don’t you go analyze an uncontested election? Hahaha.
Psychiatry: I’ve watched enough episodes of Frasier to know that you’re just as neurotic as I am and encounter just as many wacky and hilarious situations as I do.
Psychology: I’m going to go ahead and rename this one to the department of Freud-worshipping and Milgram-bashing. I don’t think anyone would notice.
Radiation therapy: This crack squad of geniuses reminds me of the theme song from the ’60s Hulk cartoon show: “Doc Bruce Banner, belted by gamma rays, turned into the Hulk. Ain’t he unglamo-rays!”
Religion: To quote Gandhi: “I came to the conclusion long ago . . . that all religions were true and also that all had some error in them.” To quote Homer Simpson: “And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we’re just making God madder and madder!”
Resource management: Use what you have and no more. How hard is that?
Respiratory therapy: I’m curious about something — which is more work, inhaling or exhaling? I guess they’re both pretty important.
Restorative dentistry: I wonder if preventative dental science people and restorative science people get together to debate which one is more important. It’s a chicken-and-egg scenario, really.
Russian: RUSN 3330 is called Chekhov. I love that little guy. I hated when Khan put that slug in his ear in Star Trek II.
Social work: Just don’t pour boiling oil on me as I siege the Tier Building.
Sociology: As he rolled up to the café in his old Pontiac, he threw his near-finished cigarette out the window. He got out and had to slam the door a few times before it finally closed. He had received the call early this morning. This would be no easy job. He fingered the gun he kept close to his heart. It was comforting to know it was still there. You never know what could happen when you spend a night in Saigon. He let out a soft chuckle and took a sip from the flask he kept even closer to his heart. He wished sociology was nearly as exciting.
Spanish: I’m sorry, but I think the Taco Bell dog removed any credibility your language had, although Antonio Banderas might cancel him out.
Statistics: Stats is the thorn in everyone’s side. It’s the winner of the made-up 2006 CSQAED group’s So Boring it’s Deadly award.
Studio courses: You know I really think the Nazis ruined the Roman “hail Caesar” salute for everyone. It’s actually kinda cool-looking if you look at it objectively, but you just can’t use it anymore. It’s just another reason to hate the Nazis. Oh yeah, studio courses . . . uhh right . . . umm . . . you suck!
Surgery: Final exam — “all right I’ve been studying all night. Hmm . . . remove the butterflies in Cavity Sam’s stomach. Alright I got it . . . *buzzing* . . . Damn it, I touched the sides.”
Textile sciences: The first selling point on their website is that “we carry our books, lunch or snacks to campus in some textile based carrier or container.” Sign me up right now.
Theatre: It’s dead, and even Nathan Lane can’t bring it back.
Ukrainian: How do you say “former satellite state” in Ukrainian?
Ukrainian Canadian heritage: a.k.a. 97 per cent of Manitobans studies.
Women’s studies: I refuse to acknowledge this department until I see a men’s studies program. Don’t you tell me that regular history is men’s studies because if I have learned about at least one woman in my class then your whole argument is out the window.
Yiddish: I found it funny that for one of two Yiddish courses offered at the U of M (the other is not normally offered), the description includes that it “may not normally be taken by students who have attended a Yiddish day school.” After further reading, it seems Winnipeg is a vibrant, thriving centre for Yiddish culture in Western Canada. My bad.
Zoology: The department code for Zoology is ZOOL. That reminds me of Ghostbusters when Sigourney Weaver says, “There is no Dana . . . only Zool.” Oh wait, that was Zuul. Never mind.
Well that about wraps it up. Actually, really this is just a prequel to an even more ambitious project: to insult every person in the world
