Ben P. hates my department
Volume IV: Law-Philosophy
BEN POGGEMILLER STAFF
In an effort to promote tolerance, understanding and peace between departments, I have resolved to alphabetically insult every single subject taught at the University of Manitoba based on what I think they are. The U of M website, Wikipedia and stereotypes helped a bit too. Yes, it is Conan O’Brien-inspired. This is volume four. Enjoy.
Law: There have always been snide remarks about how there isn’t one honest lawyer out there, but it’s simply not true. His name is Rick and he seems like a pretty good guy.
Linguistics: If you take linguistics you could be a grammarian. Then you could shoot yourself.
Management information systems: Why don’t you fix your Wikipedia article? It’s a mess.
Management science: Worker A leaves Boston at 75 miles per hour while Worker B leaves St. Louis at 60 miles per hour half an hour later than Worker A. Worker B cannot work on Tuesday morning because he is having a funeral for his cat. Worker A cannot come in Tuesday morning because he has an optometrist appointment. Who do you schedule that day? Let’s see you solve that one, smart guy.
Marketing: Television shows only exist so people will watch the commercials, right? You disgust me.
Mathematics: Carnac the Magnificent (holding envelope to head): A clean-shaven face and creativity (opens envelope and takes out card) . . . name two things you won’t find in the math department.
Mechanical engineering graduate: This applies to all engineering graduate students. I would have figured by now you would have come up with some sort of Iron Man suit for me. I guess you’re not as smart as I thought you were.
Mechanical engineering undergraduate: Engineers always act like they’re better than everybody else but we have two things they don’t: modesty and a date Friday night.
Medical imaging: Classes include “holding up pictures to the light,” “muttering ‘what the hell is this?’” and “telling people not to move while you scan them even though they could move all they want.”
Medical laboratory science: I’ve already paid homage to Johnny Carson so now it’s time to pay homage to the great Jack Handey. Medical laboratory science is a lot like a really big car crash. There are a lot of ambulances and fire trucks and people standing around gawking. But then some other stuff could happen and it could be like medical laboratory science.
Medical microbiology: This one is for people who like regular microbiology but they need that medical sense of superiority.
Medical rehabilitation: I’d like to take the opportunity to say that I like the idea of having a reverse spelling bee for children, wherein you show the word and the kids have to pronounce it then yada yada yada, that’s somehow insulting to medical rehabilitation.
Medicine: Just don’t turn out like House or Becker. I think they took the hypocritical oath instead.
Microbiology: From the faculty of science website: “Microbiology is the study of bacteria, viruses, fungi, protozoa and algae.” If that’s true maybe you should get your face out of a microscope and check your own feet.
Music: If you really want to make an impression on people, die before you’re 30. You just get more attention that way.
Native studies: Nope.
Near Eastern studies: It’s the perfect complement to Far Western Studies. Nursing: Sure, you may not be doctors but at least you have a shark named after you. I mean, there’s no doctor shark, is there?
Occupational therapy: I wondered if it included occupational hypnotherapy like in Office Space, so I looked into it. It doesn’t. Operations management: Last week’s volume got me interested in anagram conspiracies. Is it operations management or “a nesting manatee promo?” You decide.
Oral biology: It’s like regular biology except they ask you questions out loud instead.
Pathology: At first I thought pathology was a department for pathological liars, but then it occurred to me that if it was, they wouldn’t have called it that.
Peace studies: Peace studies primarily deals with the time period of 11-11:05 a.m. on Nov. 11, 1918 when there actually was peace. Sort of.
Pharmacology: This isn’t even really a department. It’s just a loose collection of courses that students in medicine, pharmacy and nursing have to take.
Pharmacy: In pharmacy, you can master the art of taking pills from a big bottle and putting them in a smaller bottle.
Philosophy: It’s the task of philosophers to ask the important questions like, “why don’t I have a job?”
