Ben P hates my department
Vol. III: Food Science to latin
BEN POGGEMILLER STAFF
In an effort to promote tolerance, understanding and peace between departments, I have resolved to alphabetically insult every single subject taught at the University of Manitoba based on what I think they are. The U of M website, Wikipedia, and stereotypes helped a bit too. Yes, it is Conan O’Brien-inspired. This is volume 3. Enjoy.
Food science: There’s a course called “CH & MK PRODUCT” and I have absolutely no idea what it is.
French: Hey, you lost the war. I refuse to educate myself in your tongue. Bilingualism is for government lackeys.
General agriculture: Hey, at least it’s not as boring as specialized agriculture.
General human ecology: It should be called the “faculty of nagging people to eat, live and treat each other better” instead. Let’s not kid ourselves.
General management: Everybody wants to manage and nobody wants to be managed. There should be a department called “general subordination” instead.
Geography: Four years of colouring maps! What could be better?
Geological sciences: Wind erosion, water erosion, gravity erosion, ice erosion. In this exciting department you can learn about them all! Wow. German: I think this one used to be a lot more popular when there was a looming possibility that we would all have to speak German.
Global political economy: My sister has a degree in this, and she’s sleeping with lizards in the Sahara Desert right now. So if that’s your thing, go for it.
Graduate studies: I prefer to call it “Van Wilder syndrome.” These people just can’t stand to leave school. They might say that graduate studies leads to more money in the long run, but that’s hardly believable.
Greek: The only reason I’d take this is to read Homer. Oh wait, that’s not even the same Greek.
History: Let me ask you people how many times you’ve had to read The Communist Manifesto? I’m guessing the number has four digits. I guess it works out since half the professors are card-carrying radical socialists anyway.
Human nutritional sciences: An apple a day keeps you regular. I know that one. Carbohydrates are the enemy now. OK that’s two. I can’t imagine there’s much else.
Human resources management/ industrial relations: An anagram for industrial relations is “A lit urn or Stalin dies.” I doubt that’s a coincidence. Icelandic: I’d find it useful to learn Icelandic in case I ever decide to go to a remote, frozen island that’s not even the least bit liveable. (Or is that Greenland?)
Immunology: We’ll talk when you can cure the common cold. I developed a cure — it’s called sticking a hose up your nose and turning the water on. It purges the sinuses. Interdisciplinary management: This is what I like to call dodging the subject. I talk about something not even related to <insert department here>because I have absolutely nothing so say about it.
Interdisciplinary medicine: I’m going to tell you something I’m sure your mother has said to you at one point. Why don’t you just settle down and commit already?
Interior design: Once all the reality shows die out, you’ll just be left with a warehouse full of hot-pink furniture and lime-green carpets. International business: It seems like every country is in debt. I think they’re all indebted to some alien bank that is doing very well. Maybe one of you can explain how it works to me.
Italian: The only important Italian words are “pizza,” “spaghetti,” “lasagna” and “whatsamattayou?” Maybe “calzone.”
Judaic studies: I tried drawing the Star of David once but I couldn’t do it. Now that I look at it again, it doesn’t seem that hard.
Labour and workplace studies: A factory of future union fat-cats, I’m guessing.
Landscape architecture: According to the U of M architecture website, “The Master of Landscape architecture program was established in 1972 . . . It has graduated nearly 200 students.” Hmm, let’s see. That’s almost six students a year. Better jump on this one before it takes off.
Latin: The most famous of all the dead, archaic languages that serve no purpose anymore.
