Worst. gift. ever!

Get your date a Valentine’s Day present they’ll never forget

MELISSA HIEBERT STAFF

It’s cruel to break up with someone on Valentine’s Day. But what do you do when the thought of spending even one more day with your partner makes you want to jump off a bridge into oncoming traffi c (or at very least, push him or her off )? Th e answer is simple: give them a Valentine’s Day present they will never forget. Here are a few simple gift ideas that are guaranteed to make your boyfriend/girlfriend break up with you, so you won’t look like the bad guy.

A mushy card (to someone else) — First, buy the nicest, most romantic card you can fi nd. Second, write a wonderfully sweet message inside, mentioning how much you’ve enjoyed your “magical nights together.” Th en, instead of putting your partner’s name at the top, write “Dear [insert random name here].” Lastly, brace yourself for a slap in the face.

An empty box of chocolates — Buy a box of your partner’s favorite chocolates, and devour them all prior to your date. In their place, put a note that says “You’re too fat anyway.” In addition, refuse to take them out to the fancy restaurant they were hoping for, recommending that they head to the gym instead because they are “looking a little thick around the thighs.” Brace yourself for another slap in the face.

An emo mix tape — Th ere’s no joke here; this is enough to make anyone break up with you.

The most expensive thing you can buy (with their money) — Tell your date that you plan on taking them out for the evening of a lifetime. Spare no expense; make sure to go so completely over the top with your spending that they become suspicious as to how you can aff ord it all. When they ask, go into a detailed story about how it would have been more, but you were only able to sell their car for $1,000, instead of the predicted $2,000. And that the guy at the pawn shop would only give you $50 for the ring their grandmother gave them so you had to make up for it by dipping into their savings account. Th at will teach them not to cover their PIN.

A dead animal — Why be subtle about it? Make sure it has been rotting on the side of the highway for a few days. If you look hard enough, you might even be able to fi nd a dead skunk somewhere. Just slap a heart around its neck with a tag that reads, “Pepe le Peu loves you.” Th e animal may get thrown away, but the stench will last a lifetime.

An STI — Nothing screams “I love you” like venereal disease! Herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea: there are so many options to choose from. If you do not currently have any STIs, just go sleep with a few prostitutes prior to Valentine’s Day and you’re sure to catch something. Th is way, if the infection itself doesn’t do the trick, the added “Damn, must’ve gotten it from that hooker” line might.

If all else fails, I recommend poison chocolates. Th is way, you won’t have to put up with your date and you can still get some action. Cupid himself couldn’t have thought of a better solution.