Valentine vs. Patrick
A scholar’s response to a curious mind
BEN POGGEMILLER STAFF
Dear Mr. Jefferson,
I’m writing in response to your letter concerning who would win in a fight between St. Valentine and St. Patrick. Although their dates are ambiguous, it would be safe to say that these figures did at no point exist as adults at the same time. Even if they did, it is likely that they would avoid any sort of physical conflict with each other.
Secondly, “Valentine” does not refer to any one particular person. In fact, there have been up to three figures recorded in early Catholic history named Valentine being martyred on February 14. It is generally thought that Valentine’s Day is celebrated for two of them. Nobody cares about the one in Africa. I suspected you knew this already when you asked me if the name Valentine was possibly cursed. I assure you, I am by no means an expert in the occult, but it seems to be merely a coincidence.
As far as St. Patrick goes, I have heard the supposition that he rid Ireland of all of its snakes. I should tell you that this is entirely untrue and just an embellishment produced over the course of history. Furthermore, Ireland is an island. Where would the snakes go? How did they get there in the first place? Even if this legend were true, I don’t think you should assume that St. Patrick had some sort of supernatural power over snakes. Although this would be beneficial in a hostile encounter with Valentine, I have never heard of anyone having such a “command over the serpentine,” as you put it.
A similar argument could be said for the existence of Cupid in your hypothetical experience. The prospect of a naked, winged boy firing magical arrows is utterly ridiculous. If I were to indulge your fantasy I would say that if an arrow struck Patrick, he would be inclined to fall in love with Valentine and thus would cease to wish him harm. In any case I doubt Cupid, a Roman god, would align himself with any non-pagan, let alone a Christian teacher such as Valentine. Even so, the snakes would take the brunt of the attack.
In conclusion, there would be no clear victor since you omitted one crucial detail. If you chose to allow all three Valentines, or even two, to participate, then they would have the clear number advantage. Do not feel the need to reply to this letter, Mr. Jefferson. In fact, I would recommend doing some research of your own in the future.
Sincerely,
Theodore H. Ridgemont II
Head of Catholic Studies,
University of Flavisham, England
