Ben P hates my department
Vol. 2: Dental diagnostic and surgical-fine art diploma
BEN POGGEMILLER STAFF
In an effort to promote tolerance, understanding and peace between departments, I have resolved to alphabetically insult every single subject taught at the University of Manitoba based on what I think they are. The U of M website, Wikipedia and stereotypes helped a bit too. Yes, it is Conan O’Brien-inspired. This is volume 2. Enjoy.
Dental diagnostic and surgical: For periodontics you need to take a class called “dental implantology.” I think it’s some sort of covert operation that the so-called “crazy” people complain about when they receive transmissions in their brain.
Dental hygiene: “Brush away from the gums, away from the gums!” Dentistry: I think a large portion of dentistry is devoted to learning how to ask people questions while you have your hands in their mouth.
Diagnostic cytology: The listing I have says this is part of medical rehabilitation. Your search — cytology site:http://umanitoba.ca/faculties/ medicine/units/medrehab — did not match any documents.
No pages were found containing “cytology-site:http://umanitoba.ca/ faculties/medicine/units/medrehab.”
Diploma in agriculture: I tried looking up information on agriculture but every time I did I ended up falling asleep while typi-uakdasmdadsd/
Disability studies: Forget it. I’m not doing this one.
Economics: Someone along the line must have said, “hey, I like models and graphs about how things should work but in no way represent the real world, make a department for me!”
Education PhD: The course calendar says that “due to budgetary and/or staffing constraints admission to the Ph.D. in education is limited.” Apparently there’s not enough support for megalomaniacs out to warp young minds with a mastery of propaganda.
Educational administration, foundations and psychology: Classes include “calling mothers,” “kids who cry a lot,” and “Ruling with an iron fist — elementary school.”
Electrical engineering: People in electrical engineering only take it so they can use fancy words to make their friends feel inferior.
Engineering — preliminary year: Everybody thinks they have what it takes to be an engineer, but you might have to face the fact that you’re just not enough of an elitist prick.
English: All the books you read in English go something like this: “Oh Mr. Darcy, I do believe the fancy twixt us we have acquiesced to accept is austerely an affectation.” And that’s just from memory.
Entomology: Why don’t you grow a spine and study something vertebrate?
Entrepreneurship/small business: Everything you need to know about running a small business my friend Tom and I learned from operating a convenience store out of our locker in high school.
Environment: They might as well call it female-armpit-hair-and-angrydisposition- towards-everythingschool. Prove me wrong, I dare you.
Environment architecture: I think the above group of granolaeaters would have a problem with you just coming in and rearranging nature as you please.
Environmental city planning: I guess the solution to all urban problems such as crime and transportation is, “put some trees in. It’ll look nice.”
Environmental design: Well the thing about environmental design is that — oh crap Tom Brady just threw an interception the Colts are going to the Super Bowl! What was I saying?
Environmental interior environment: 32 points in the second half? Peyton Manning is the man. Environmental what? Who cares?
Environmental landscape: All this classes for this one are like “PROC LAND FORM,” “SITE GRADE TECH” and “PLANT/LAND/DES.” Not only are they too busy to finish their words, but they’re also too busy to TURN THE CAPSLOCK OFF.
Family social sciences: Let us take something as endearing as a family and apply cold, calculated scientific principles to it. Sounds like fun.
Film studies: Film studies is mainly complaining about every movie ever made and then making up or using inappropriate words to describe them. For example:
Critic 1: It was all right, but I thought the shots were too flangestic.
Critic 2: I agree. The mood wasn’t green enough.
Finance: I’ll be honest, I saved this one for last and I couldn’t think of anything. I care so little about finance that I read comics instead of writing something for this. Iron Man is such a jerk.
Fine art: The only thing fine about this one is the hair of the students who take it. It’s full of a bunch of hipsters who think they’re too cool, or uncool, or whatever it’s good to be today, for the rest of us.
Fine art diploma: I’d get a diploma for fine art but it’s not two-ply. Charmin is much more comfortable.
