Ranting about rants
MELISSA HIEBERT STAFF
Ah, the rant. Where would we be without the droning ramblings of political science students, the incoherent tangents of would-be philosophers, and everyone in between who thinks that their hot air is the most wonderful thing to be heard since (something).
Everyone goes off on rants at some point or another. I think the main reason that people rant is that we all tend to be self-proclaimed geniuses who believe that our thoughts must be bestowed upon the world lest we all suffer in a dark chasm of ignorance. And, why would you waste precious seconds listening to someone else’s point of view when you can listen to the sound of your own voice — the masterfully articulated, astute views that only your brilliant mind has the intellect to come up with?
There are many different kinds of rants. Naturally, there are the angry rants, in which someone becomes so pissed off about something that they have to share this frustration with anyone and everyone who will listen. These people are usually the ones who complain about absolutely everything, from the government to the fact that they wanted their IPod in green, but it only came in blue. Man, does life suck.
Of course, there are the “back in my day” rants, much like Grandpa Simpson’s. For example: “This nickel has a long and interesting history. It dates back to one morning in 1957. I got up and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three — medium brown . . . ” and, “We can’t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell ’em stories that don’t go anywhere — like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say.” I think you get the point.
And of course, there’s my personal favourite, the “I am ranting just to portray to the world what an utter genius I am and that my thought is so completely superior to anything that anyone else has ever thought in the history of the world and the only reason why people are ignoring me or telling me to shut up is because what I am saying is so completely over their heads that they can’t even begin to fathom what I am talking about. Dumb fuckers.”
Don’t get me wrong: I’m actually a fan of the rant. Sure, more often than not, rants are nothing more than poorly thought-out ideas or thoughts blurted out at the spur of the moment, that will only come to an end when the speaker runs out of steam (or with a considerable amount of duct tape).
Not all rants are poorly thoughtout or pointless, however. Sometimes, rants can take the form of a collection of ideas that have been thought about over and over again in your head until you can’t help but just let it all out. Rants are also usually charged with passion and emotion, which (in the right circumstances) can be insightful or inspiring.
Yes, rants do often get a bad rap, but I like listening to them. At worst, they are hilarious, at best, passionate, considerate, and thought-provoking. And even the inane ones serve as an ever-present reminder that there is no substitute for considerate thought and carefully placed words, and that if you fail to incorporate both, you too will sound like a blithering idiot.
