An open letter

To Nigeria, with love

Dear Uncle,

I am in a truly friendly and wonderful environment. My spirit is quite high even as temperatures have picked up. I trust that everyone is fine at home. I deemed it fit to share some of my experiences here so far with you.

God bless Canada! It is a genuinely multicultural society. The politicians here are family men and women. Child care is a huge national issue. I hope Nigerian politicians (Bless their Imperial Majesties) will learn from that and step down from their current position as demi-gods.

You won’t believe the gargantuan size of the weight loss industry here. Beauty is equated with being slim, which in my mind’s eye often means being thin and hungry-looking. The people in the Calabar axis of Nigeria who fatten up brides prior to their wedding days to make them more attractive will be shocked at how having a little flesh on your skin is denigrated here. The sheer perspiration occasioned by a near all-summer weather and a weight-friendly environment like Nigeria is all that is needed.

Canada is indeed a developed country par excellence. People truly live well and big here. The other side of the story is that an incredible majority actually lives on credit, a euphemistic term for debt. I have heard of family vacations on credit. Please, do not ask if they will all ever finish paying such debts and the huge interests. I’m considering visiting home soon on credit. The only snag is that I may not be able to eat my favourite pounded yam and egusi soup with the same relish as before. We are all moving closer to cultural hara-kiri here.

Lest I forget, the roads in Winnipeg are also full of pot-holes. Who says that Nigeria has a monopoly of bad roads? Many here will shudder at the enviable road network in Abuja. I am sure you will say that does not apply to all cities in Nigeria.

Do tell my siblings that the educational system here is very challenging, innovating and practical, but social life is a disaster. Boredom is more likely to kill you here than any other factor. Of course, there are people every where, they just exaggeratedly mind their business. Kids cannot simply run around and play those innocuous childhood pranks; they must be indoors, busy with computers, thereby learning more about the world of fiction than experiencing the real world.

There is such an excellent rapport between lecturers and students here to the level that students often address lecturers by their first name! I tried doing it too, but just couldn’t. I know some Nigerian professors would resign in protest if their students ever called them by their first names. It would be tantamount to sacrilege.

Due to no fault of mine, I watch more American channels than Canadian ones. Anything American seems idolized here, even though there are always better Canadian substitutes.

The Nigerian Television Authority must begin to show more hockey, rather than soccer, to intending students to Canada. Hockey is not a game here; it is a religion. Don’t ask me how interesting it is. I’m just learning to like it too — for my own good.

Ah, America. That land of freedom, now land of oil prospectors, where, for decades, slavery existed side by side with the declaration of independence; that land of unfettered capitalism and opportunities where there is a very indistinct line between reality and Hollywood make-believe. How wonderful it is to be a neighbour of the superpower!

Part of my discovery here is a legitimate methodology by which you can make more money from rents on your tenements. How? Instruct your tenants who have cars that starting next month they have to start paying for parking. Rent on apartments is different from parking space here. Issue a quit notice to the rebels among them. My fear is that you may earn a bad name in the community. People would never understand why you should make them pay for a “free gift” of nature.

As I conclude, let me express the hope that the melodramatic comedy about an unconstitutional third tenure for the incumbent president will be thwarted. If he does succeed, well; every society deserves the kind of leader it gets. Warm regards to all.

Sincerely,

Tope Oriola

Tope Oriola is pursuing a master’s degree in sociology.