To whom it may concern . . .

Funny letters and funnier replies

Melissa Hiebert Staff

Some people weave baskets. Some people get ridiculously good at yo-yo. But one of Jeff Sinclair’s pastimes is writing letters to random organizations — and collecting their replies.

“It started out as a writing exercise and a way to kill time in between classes at the U of M,” explained Sinclair. “But now it’s more of an obsession to keep trying to top myself.” Since first writing to Planters Peanuts in 1998 (to find out what make of cane the peanut man was holding), Sinclair has written to over 590 companies. He has a reply success rate of about 65 per cent.

Sinclair performs a comedy show based on some of the letters he has written and the replies he has received. Here are a few examples.

Camel Cigarettes

In a letter to Camel Cigarettes, Sinclair writes (using a fake name, as always) that he is in love with Camel Cigarettes. “I had never even considered smoking until I saw a pack of your cigarettes with “Joe Camel” on the package,” he writes. He explains that his family lived in Cairo when he was young and owned many camels, and that they had to get rid of them when they moved to Canada. Sinclair ends off by writing, “If you could please write back to me and inform me on how to get a ride on Joe Camel, I would be most appreciative.”

Camel Cigarettes wrote Sinclair a polite response, informing him that Joe Camel is a fictional character created for marketing purposes and stating, “RJ Reynolds does not own any live camels with which to offer any rides or similar recreational activities.” It kind of makes you wonder just what kind of requests for recreational activities involving camels they have received in the past.

American Philatelic Society

In this letter, Sinclair writes to the Philatelic Society (stamp collecting), explaining that his uncle had died and left him his stamp collection and that he had taken to eating his uncle’s stamps. Sinclair then went on to list a bunch of very expensive stamps that he had eaten, asking if they were worth very much. He ended off the letter by saying that he might be interested in donating some stamps to the society, stating that he “appreciates the stamps, but more as snacks rather than art.”

The Philatelic Society responded, reassuring Sinclair that “stamp collecting is a wonderful hobby which each is free to enjoy in his own way.” The letter suggested that Sinclair take to eating less expensive stamps, but notes that “a superb stamp, like a fine wine, must have a distinctive flavor and body, which make the cost less than the pleasure you derive from it.” They also wrote that they would forward future letters of a similar nature to him, and that he may want to consider starting his own stamp club, which “might help to remove the stigma of eating stamps from others who enjoy that facet of the hobby.”

Canada Post

Sinclair wrote to Canada Post, explaining that he wanted to write a letter to his cousin Steve, with whom he had a recent falling out. “Steve,” however, is an astronaut who is currently on the International Space Station. He explained that he “saw postage rates for Canada, USA and International, but nothing for Orbital or Interplanetary,” and that he didn’t want the letter to come back to him for something as simple as improper postage. Sinclair ended the letter by stating that he could have just e-mailed his cousin, but a letter is “a more personalized approach at making amends.”

“As no postal administration has yet established delivery to outer space, you will not find postal rates listed for such service,” began Canada Post in their response. They suggested that Sinclair forward his letter to NASA and request that they send the letter to “Steve.”

Most of Sinclair’s letters display the same playful tone. “I actually rarely complain. It’s kind of a mission statement,” said Sinclair. But despite the light, comical nature of his letters, he mentioned that some letters have led to threats of legal action (such as one wherein Sinclair told a convenience store chain that he was making a porno entitled Spoon Straws) or, sometimes, even worse. “Let’s just say my life could be endangered if I mention anything more on this subject. Seriously!” exclaimed Sinclair.

All in all, the letters are mainly for the purposes of evoking laughter. “I see it all as trying to give someone a good work story when they end their long day of office drudgery,” said Sinclair. More side-splitting letters and responses can be found on Sinclair’s website, www.lettersatlarge.com. Or, you may just want to watch out for letters like these turning up at your own workplace.