L’eau du campus

A taste test of the finest water fountains the university has to offer

Melissa Hiebert

Hundreds of water fountains litter the hallways around campus. So many choices! How is a thirsty student to choose which water fountains go best with marinated chicken and which go best with roast beef? Each water fountain leaves its own unique taste lingering on the palate. Here is a guide for the discerning and thirsty.

Candidate #1

University Centre — in front of the UMSU offices

Upon first inspection, this water fountain was pretty disgusting. It looked like it was clogged, and there was some weird white stuff floating around in it. (I will refrain from making any jokes here in the name of good taste.) The water tasted all right, though kind of gritty and dirty. This fountain would probably have a higher rating had it been a little cleaner.

Rating: 2 out of 5

If I wanted to drink white stuff . . . I’ll just stop right there.

Candidate #2

University Centre — beside the copy centre

This water fountain looked a little cleaner than the last, so that was a good sign. I swooshed a little around in my mouth and was met with the upsetting taste of what can best be described as plant food (the liquid that makes plants grow better). Upon closer inspection of the fountain, an area around the nozzle and a streak in the tray was dyed green! It’s probably those damn botany people trying to turn us all into human-plant hybrids again. I hate it when they do that.

Rating: 1 out of 5

I saw that Batman movie with poison ivy in it — you guys don’t fool me!

Candidate #3

Armes — in front of the science lounge

The water fountains in Armes are quite rare indeed. They are the old white porcelain type, like the ones in elementary school. I tasted a little but had to spit it out. Not only was it really warm, but it tasted like blood! I always knew those science majors were a bunch of vampires. This just goes to show that you can’t trust anyone in science.

Rating: 1 out of 5

The blood was probably just rust, but I’m not taking any chances.

Candidate #4

Parker — main floor, in the hallway

I thought I’d give the science people one more chance to prove themselves as water connoisseurs. This water fountain was like none I had seen before. It had a unique shape, with two nozzles protruding from either side. The fountain itself was a nice green colour. It came out kind of like a sprinkler rather than in a stream, but it was delicious! No traces of dirt or sediments at all. However, I was later informed that it was not a water fountain, but, in fact, an eye washing station. A science student told me that the water from the eye washing station is actually specially distilled, and the staff would probably get mad if they saw me drinking out of it (i.e. they are hoarding all of the good water for themselves).

Rating: 4 out of 5

Eyes can’t drink; I don’t see why they need their own fountain.

Candidate #5

Fletcher Argue — near Robin’s Doughnuts

This water fountain wasn’t as fancy as the one in Parker; just your average, run of the mill fountain. It was nothing special; it tasted a little off, not unlike normal tap water. The stream, however, was huge! Usually water fountains have tiny streams and you have to stick your face right in them, but not this one. I decided this fountain would also have a good range for spraying people. I decided to test my theory on the gentleman standing beside me. He was not amused. I decided to leave.

Rating: 3 out of 5

Tastes okay, and has great range.

Candidate #6

Engineering — near the entrance by the washrooms

There was nothing overly special about the taste of this water; it had the same tap-like taste as the water in Fletcher. The best thing about this water fountain, though, was that it was the only one on campus that had clear instructions on the button that said “push.” I guess those engineering students need a little help with working a water fountain. Don’t worry, guys, not everyone can understand how machines work.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Not bad water, and the image of five engineering students huddled around a water fountain trying in vain to make it work had me chuckling for a while.

And that concludes this edition of l’eau du campus. Now if you’ll excuse me, I really have to pee.





Volume 93 • Issue 26	The Official University of Manitoba Students' Newspaper Website	March 22, 2006

Home About Us Advertise Contact Staff Current Issue PDF Employment Letters to the Editor Meet the Staff Online Archives Personals Volunteer	Font Size Respond Email Print-Friendly L’eau du campus A taste test of the finest water fountains the university has to offer Melissa Hiebert Hundreds of water fountains litter the hallways around campus. So many choices! How is a thirsty student to choose which water fountains go best with marinated chicken and which go best with roast beef? Each water fountain leaves its own unique taste lingering on the palate. Here is a guide for the discerning and thirsty. Candidate #1 University Centre — in front of the UMSU offices Upon first inspection, this water fountain was pretty disgusting. It looked like it was clogged, and there was some weird white stuff floating around in it. (I will refrain from making any jokes here in the name of good taste.) The water tasted all right, though kind of gritty and dirty. This fountain would probably have a higher rating had it been a little cleaner. Rating: 2 out of 5 If I wanted to drink white stuff . . . I’ll just stop right there. Candidate #2 University Centre — beside the copy centre This water fountain looked a little cleaner than the last, so that was a good sign. I swooshed a little around in my mouth and was met with the upsetting taste of what can best be described as plant food (the liquid that makes plants grow better). Upon closer inspection of the fountain, an area around the nozzle and a streak in the tray was dyed green! It’s probably those damn botany people trying to turn us all into human-plant hybrids again. I hate it when they do that. Rating: 1 out of 5 I saw that Batman movie with poison ivy in it — you guys don’t fool me! Candidate #3 Armes — in front of the science lounge The water fountains in Armes are quite rare indeed. They are the old white porcelain type, like the ones in elementary school. I tasted a little but had to spit it out. Not only was it really warm, but it tasted like blood! I always knew those science majors were a bunch of vampires. This just goes to show that you can’t trust anyone in science. Rating: 1 out of 5 The blood was probably just rust, but I’m not taking any chances. Candidate #4 Parker — main floor, in the hallway I thought I’d give the science people one more chance to prove themselves as water connoisseurs. This water fountain was like none I had seen before. It had a unique shape, with two nozzles protruding from either side. The fountain itself was a nice green colour. It came out kind of like a sprinkler rather than in a stream, but it was delicious! No traces of dirt or sediments at all. However, I was later informed that it was not a water fountain, but, in fact, an eye washing station. A science student told me that the water from the eye washing station is actually specially distilled, and the staff would probably get mad if they saw me drinking out of it (i.e. they are hoarding all of the good water for themselves). Rating: 4 out of 5 Eyes can’t drink; I don’t see why they need their own fountain. Candidate #5 Fletcher Argue — near Robin’s Doughnuts This water fountain wasn’t as fancy as the one in Parker; just your average, run of the mill fountain. It was nothing special; it tasted a little off, not unlike normal tap water. The stream, however, was huge! Usually water fountains have tiny streams and you have to stick your face right in them, but not this one. I decided this fountain would also have a good range for spraying people. I decided to test my theory on the gentleman standing beside me. He was not amused. I decided to leave. Rating: 3 out of 5 Tastes okay, and has great range. Candidate #6 Engineering — near the entrance by the washrooms There was nothing overly special about the taste of this water; it had the same tap-like taste as the water in Fletcher. The best thing about this water fountain, though, was that it was the only one on campus that had clear instructions on the button that said “push.” I guess those engineering students need a little help with working a water fountain. Don’t worry, guys, not everyone can understand how machines work. Rating: 4 out of 5 Not bad water, and the image of five engineering students huddled around a water fountain trying in vain to make it work had me chuckling for a while. And that concludes this edition of l’eau du campus. Now if you’ll excuse me, I really have to pee.


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