Tubular transport

Haven’t you always wanted to look as utterly cool as the people in GAP or Pepsi commercials who spontaneously break out into dance while walking down the street? Well, what are you waiting for? Realize your dreams and merrily dance all the way to university. Perhaps your new cargo pants don’t make you want to twirl and jig your way to school, but a dozen morning espressos should rouse similar effects. If people look at you strangely, perkily exclaim to them that you are just so thrilled about how your new laundry detergent got your socks so darn white.

Boat

For a city that has two big rivers running through it, we sure neglect to use them for transportation purposes. Try taking a canoe to school; there is absolutely no traffic, and the Red River runs right by the university! Just dock your canoe (or kayak, or raft made out of toothpicks) on the riverbank behind University College, and return to it when it is time for you to go home. Even if you don’t live right by the river, stash your watercraft on the bank of the river somewhere and cover it with twigs. Forget rapid transit; what we really need is a ferry that travels from downtown to the university and back, picking up students along the way.

Skate or Snowshoe

Of course the river does freeze over in the winter, which makes it a tad hard to canoe on. But the river can still be used as a way of getting around, and skating or snowshoeing is the way to go! Just lace up your skates and glide down the cleared pathways near the forks. When the snow gets a little heavier, switch your skates for some snowshoes. Or for people on a budget, grab two old tennis racquets and some duct tape.

Horse

Some things never go out of style, and being a cowboy is certainly one of those things. If they did it in the 1800s, who says that we can’t ride horses to school now? On your leisurely trot to school, revel in how cool you look wearing your boots and hat. Tie up your horse in the quad to graze, pull your textbooks out of the saddlebags, and walk bow-leggedly to class. Or, you could also protest that the university is discriminating against cowboys and demand that they build a stable.

Dogsled

Not only will this work wonders to fulfil and propagate American stereotypes of Canadians, but it truly is an awesome way to get to school. Unfortunately, many people are unable to take proper care of a pack of huskies, or to buy a proper dogsled. So, just improvise by “borrowing” your neighbour’s dogs and attaching them to your childhood toboggan. Just bring the dogs to class with you; I’m sure your prof won’t mind.
*Note: It is important that no harm is done to any of these animals. Be sure to take the utmost care of your four-legged friends, or they will eat your homework on the way to school. Perhaps just round up a bunch of junior high students and strap them to the sled instead.

Blimp

Though hard to get your hands on, a blimp (or possibly a hot air balloon) is the ultimate mode of transportation. I’d like to see the university try to charge you for parking your blimp on the top of the parkade! You can park it on any flat-roofed building, and there will be no traffic to deal with whatsoever. You will also become the new coolest person on campus. Just watch out for drunken partiers who will inevitably try to steal your blimp (wait a minute, that’s how you acquired it in the first place . . .).