An ode to Anti-Valentiners

Things you can do to ruin Valentine’s Day

Melissa Hiebert Staff

There is a whole cult of people who hate Valentine’s Day. Really.

If you search Valentine’s Day on the Internet, you will find hoards of websites dedicated to people who despise the holiday. Who can blame them? Valentine’s Day is the one day a year when anyone who doesn’t have a significant other is completely singled out while everyone around them gets showered with gifts, candy and flowers. Even the people who are involved with someone are often forced to empty their pockets and demonstrate an overabundance of mandatory affection. Love should be shown all year round, so why do we have to create an artificial holiday to make it known?

The people who hate Valentine’s Day are not grinches. Nor are they people who are not getting laid (necessarily), but perhaps they are people who appreciate the value of year-round affection and spurn compulsive consumerism.

Either that, or they really are just bitter.

For those of you who hate this holiday because you actually are resentful and cynical, here are some ideas to make sure that everyone ends up hating this holiday as much as you do.

Go to the fanciest restaurant you can find, one that is a typical Valentine’s Day ‘hot spot.’ Order lots of food, and eat it as loudly and messily as you can. Don’t hold back your bodily noises. If that doesn’t warrant enough disgust, get up and start randomly eating things off of other people’s plates.

What better a way to ruin Valentine’s Day than to start quarrels between other people? Go up to random couples, and say something like, “So this is why you said you had to work late on Valentine’s Day.” Look offended when they pretend not to know who you are. If you are holding a drink, throw it in their faces and storm away.

Next, put every copy of Titanic, Sleepless in Seattle, and any other sappy movie you can find in a pile. Smash them all with a baseball bat. Then, set fire to the pile.

If anyone is trying to have a romantic evening at your residence, sit in your room and play “Love Stinks” really loudly, over and over again. If you want, sing along with it. Off key. When they learn to tune you out, leave your room and sit between them, and chatter on annoyingly about something offensive or gross until they finally give up and leave. When they do, steal their chocolate and eat it all. Replace it with the ashes of the movies.

Construct voodoo dolls of the couples you detest the most. Cast anti-love spells on them and stick them with pins and needles. Curse everyone that has something better to do on Valentine’s Day than sit at home and sulk.

Start a club. Who knows, maybe you’ll find true love with someone who hates Valentine’s Day as much as you do.

By this time, you should be feeling better about Valentine’s Day. Maybe next year it won’t be so bad. But if it is, take some comfort in the fact that you are not alone.