Getting it on(line)

. . . or how I spent my x-mas vacation

Patcheswpg

Illustration by Jessica Koroscil

Ever feel like no one likes you . . . like the world is full of people having romance and sexy, fun-filled adventure with other people, but you’re not one of them? I sometimes do, and being the type of person who doesn’t just complain about stuff, I decided to do something about it. I decided to really grab the bull by the horns and give Internet dating a try.

I signed up for an Internet dating service last year at x-mas. My dad helped me. We signed me up to three websites: Lavalife, Hot or Not and Plenty of Fish. My dad is very supportive, even going so far as buying me e-dating credits on his credit card. (What a guy, eh!) He’d really like to get me hooked up and on my way to settling down. So together we surf through the profiles of potential mates and get some good father-son time.

To my friends and family, Internet dating rates right up there among my other endearing personal characteristics: dumpster diving and seeking validation of my handsomeness. My aunt says, “You have a life. Why are you on an Internet dating service?” I’m not sure either, but I think she misses the point.

There seems to be a lot of well-adjusted people putting themselves out there in inter-web-land trying to meet people or get some action or something. Maybe there’s something to be said here about the state of the world of dating, but I’m not gonna say it.

I really enjoy surfing through the profiles that people post on these e-dating services. My imagination takes over, and I can enjoy fantastic dates with these wonderful and attractive people, all in the comfort of my own mind. For example, I could fantasize about a date with “Rachel,” who likes to bungee jump and go for long walks through frozen forests, and maybe tomorrow it’s a pretend date with “Lee-anne,” who just happens to be a fan of pro-wrestling and getting it on in public places. I imagine sending them saucy emails and initiating real encounters. I justify this exuberent fantasy to myself by saying, “I would never do that in real life.” Internet dating just doesn’t seem real.

I want to offer this advice to potential users: the people on these services are real, and just because we can alienate ourselves from our online personalities, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt to get e-dumped. I should take my own advice to heart . . . I’m a real sweetheart in person, but get me on the e-dating scene and I turn into the biggest turncoat, heartbreaker, playboy dumping-machine ever. (Just kidding. My e-personality is just like me in real life, seeking someone nice who can put up with me wanting to sleep around).

My e-dating profiles read like manifestos. I think that this may be why (among other things) there are not many people who express an interest in me. I guess that writing “Ya Basta!” in my tagline doesn’t appeal to many people, and I’m sure that describing myself as “rabidly political” probably sends many potential mates away.

So, though I’m not exactly sure how it all came about, here I am, a full-fledged e-dating junkie, though I’ve never gotten a date out of the thing. I check my Lavalife account every other day to see if anyone new has sent me smiles (on e-dating services you can send smiles and form letters, for free). Alas, it’s a rare enough occurrence, no smiles for me.

So here I am writing an article for a school newspaper just hoping that the right person reads what I wrote and is so blown away that they check out my profile and search me out.

Yours truly, Patcheswpg.