Communication Break-Down
Why being romantic is a stupid idea
Signy Holmes Staff
Curse you, Valentine’s Day.
No, not for being a silly holiday forced down our throats like pounds of sickly-sweet cotton candy. Not for being overpriced and overrated. Not even for taking the beautiful thing that is love and distilling it into heart-shaped lumps of pastel-coloured sugar reading “HOT 4 U.” No, bitter and crabby as I may seem, these are not the reasons I shake my fist at Valentine’s Day.
No one seems to know why, but with Valentine’s Day come obligations.
The problem with Valentine’s Day is that it brings out the very worst of a little thing all couples are probably familiar with: miscommunication. Or rather, a total lack of communication. You’re supposed to be able to do exactly what your significant other wants, without actually talking to them about it.
If you’re the guy, this could involve the expectation that you will read your girlfriend’s mind.
She’ll probably never tell you what she wants, because girls are weird like that, but if you would just look deep into her eyes then you’d realize that what would really make her happy is a huge bouquet of flowers. But not roses. She likes Gerber daisies best. Didn’t you know? After all, she mentioned it that one time eight months ago when you were watching TV.
Oh, and not the orange ones, the pink ones.
You could just get some chocolate, but with food come questions about whether she’s fat, and those are the questions you simply cannot answer. Rather than resorting to carrying smoke bombs to escape, you might be better off to skip the chocolate issue altogether.
So get her a stuffed animal. Girls love that crap, right? Maybe a purple monkey with a pink bow tie holding a big red heart that sings something about feelings when you squeeze it. Perfect.
But maybe you’ve been dating a while and you need to get her a real gift. That means jewelry. Are earrings good? Or did she say she was allergic to gold ones — or was it that she was allergic to everything except gold ones? Can’t get her a ring. That would just weird her out. Maybe a necklace. Don’t girls love anything that’s sparkly?
And then you’ve probably been stuck with planning dinner. Should you do the home-cooked thing? Some wine and candlelight and easy access to a bedroom? Oops, too late for reservations, booked since Christmas. Well, at least that decision’s out of the way. Kraft Dinner with wieners and extra ketchup, it is.
Perfect.
Of course, it’s no better if you’re the girl. You have to look perfect — every hair in place, outfit hugging every curve just right. Set aside at least a week in advance to plan. Because he’ll definitely notice that you got a pedicure. Totally.
There’s also the gift. Some people are of the theory that it isn’t so much Valentine’s Day as boy-doing-everything-for-the-girl-and-buying-her-many-things day. But you love your guy, so you want to get him something nice.
What to do? He buys himself everything he wants, since, as everyone knows, guys have no impulse control. If you’re lucky, your boyfriend collects some weird item, like model cars or army figures. Otherwise, this is the problem with no solution.
Just get some random thing like a food processor and make a sweet, slightly sad yet hopeful face when you give it to him. If he still refuses to pretend he likes it, tear up a little. He’ll immediately pretend to like it, because you crying = no sex.
Of course, when Valentine’s Day comes and boy shows up with some wilty red roses and doesn’t notice the pedicure or the new dress, girl is annoyed but says nothing because Valentine’s Day must be perfect. Girl actually wanted to go for sushi, but she chokes down the slightly burned, homemade dinner with a forced smile. Guy is nervous she won’t like everything, but says nothing.
Gifts are exchanged. Girl is horrified that she now has to wear the hideous necklace and almost cries in disgust over the purple monkey and its staring plastic eyes. But she smiles. Everything must be perfect!
Guy is now the proud owner of a second food processor.
Later, they’ll tell their friends that it was a wonderful Valentine’s Day.
Is it really any wonder so many couples break up around Valentine’s Day? The pressure’s just too much.
Thing is, Valentine’s Day isn’t about girls and guys — it’s about you and your partner, whoever that is, and what they like. There are no set rules for Valentine’s Day, no matter what Hallmark wants you to think. Being romantic shouldn’t be about reading minds. It should be letting the person you love know that you care, in a way that works for the two of you, not for everyone else.
And that, frankly, should be sappy enough for anyone.
